Beautiful

Since dropping off my trusty new(ish) mountain bike, herein referred to as "White Lightenin'" (I know . . . just - I know . . .) for a tune-up, I've been using my road bike, Mike the Bike, and my own short stubby legs to get around. I biked a couple times to work (a 16 km round trip, plus another 2.5 km for dropping off/picking up my daughter at daycare), and another couple times I've opted to walk through the river valley (a 12 km round trip, plus the 2.5 km to daycare). Luckily, the weather's been holding out for this - it has been BEEEEAAAAUUUUUTIFUL the past few days! Even when it rains, the rain is short-lived and doesn't cloud the whole day with grey, dismal skies. There has been some intense wind here and there, sometimes gusting up to 40-60 km/hr, but I just try walking those days instead of biking and I barely notice it.

Even on the days that I haven't had to go into the university, I've made efforts to get out and do some biking or walking, just for the sake of getting some exercise and fresh air. In fact, I've made a deal with myself: I've put a moratorium on dieting - I am no longer allowing myself any kind of restriction, calorie counting, or food group limitations whatsoever, so I eat whatever I want whenever I want without handicap - with the understanding that I also exercise at least an hour a day, at least five days a week. This is my way of trying to break my lifelong cyclical habit of dieting and bingeing, then dieting more and bingeing again, etc. etc. If I can manage to break free of the scarcity model - i.e., eating as much as I can whenever I'm not dieting because I know I'm probably going to start severely restricting right away - perhaps I can start having a healthier relationship with food. I'm just over a week into this new experiment - I'll keep you posted how that turns out!!

In the meantime, I'll continue making a concerted effort to exercise, and that means a whole lot of biking and walking whenever I can. Given the beautiful weather we've had lately, that's turning out to be quite a blessing. It's only when I'm outside enjoying the fresh air, taking in the scenery of our beautiful river valley or cruising through thoughtfully-designed established neighbourhoods in central and west Edmonton, that I fully appreciate the beauty therein. The hum of my tires on the pavement, the rhythmic beating of my heart and legs, the cool spring air breezing over my skin. "Beautiful," I say aloud under my breath. The parks, the beautiful old houses, the bright blue skies, the children playing on elaborate play structures in neighbourhood schools: "Just beautiful". It fills me with pleasure, appreciation, and great gratitude. This is living.

I don't get that in my car.

Sore

WEATHER THERE: sunny, -4C (-7C with windchill), 8 km/hr cross/headwinds
WEATHER BACK: cloudy, 2C, 22 km/hr cross/tailwinds

As my daughter might say: I'm sooooooore!

I don't really have any hobbies, sadly. Ever since grad school, and especially since becoming a single parent in grad school, I haven't had the time or money to really be able to do much of anything fun. I go out to movies whenever I can, and I read whenever I can, but for the most part I have ceased to be a remotely interesting person. That kind of sucks. So I decided to change that - I decided to join a recreational dodgeball league! It was either that or softball, and since I don't really know how to play any team sports and never have in my life, I figured the learning curve would be more manageable for dodgeball. Also, it seemed like a lot more fun!

My first game of the season was last night. Turns out - I suck! But there is a lot of room for improvement, and by the end of our one-hour match I made a couple good catches and got a few people out. It might take a while, but I'll get better with more and more practice. Nothing but better from here, I say!

The downside is that even before the end of the game I was sore. I threw out my left hip because of the weird way I throw the ball with my right hand, and by the time I got home from the game last night I was limping and feeling pretty stiff. It only got worse overnight, as my right shoulder started to seize up as well. This did not bode well, especially since I had planned for today to be my first day back to biking since that short spate of nice weather we had in mid-March. Despite waking up with aches and stiffness all over, I determined I'd stick to the plan, and I biked my daughter to daycare with the trailer before biking to work this morning.

Ultimately, I'm sure the exercise actually helped with my soreness and stiffness, but man did my commute-time suffer from my stiff-and-out-of-shape-ness! It took me a solid 30 minutes from daycare to work, and although there weren't a lot of bike commuters out this morning, I did get blown past by a cyclist on campus who put my palty 16 km/hr to shame. And I was working for that! Blargh! Ahh well. The more I bike, the easier it'll get. And the more I play dodgeball, the better I'll get at that - and less sore, too. The point is that I'm becoming interesting again - I officially have a hobby! Hell, maybe even two if you count biking! Despite the soooooore, this is turning out to be a mighty fine personal development . . .

And Then . . . And Then . . . And Then . . .

This blog mocks me. Healthy Biker is a cursed moniker that has rendered me neither healthy nor a biker. Now, I am The Car-Dependent Invalid.

Okay, okay, perhaps that's overstating the point. Nevertheless, it seems like every time I vow to get back on the bike something happens to interfere with those plans. For instance:

Despite still suffering remnants of a mysterious illness that no x-ray, ultrasound, or blood test has yet found a name for, I vowed to get back to bike-commuting after the Christmas holidays. I was out of town for two weeks and - as per tradition - put on about 10 lbs of holiday cheer. As such, I felt pretty motivated to get back to eating like a human being and exercising regularly in January. This is something I haven't done for a while, actually, because of the aforementioned Mystery Illness. So, for my first day back to work on January 10th, I was all ready to hop on the bike and go.

AND THEN . . .

Photo by John Lucas, edmontonjournal.com

Snowmaggedon. Snowpocalypse. Whatever you call it, it was quite the snowrdeal. 30 cm of snow fell the weekend of January 8-10. I didn't leave my house at all except to shovel for three days. When I did try to take the bike out on Tuesday to see if I could get through the accumulation, I couldn't get farther than two blocks without getting off my bike THREE TIMES to walk it through impassable snow drifts. FINE! I'll have to delay bike-commuting for another week or so while I let the city clear this up a bit. So maybe I can get back on the bike on January 17th.

AND THEN . . .

Ed Kaiser for The Edmonton Journal

More snow!!

This past weekend we saw another 20 cm or snow. For you metrically-challenged out there, the 50 cm accumulation that we've seen over the past two weeks means we've had about 20 inches of snow. That means I've been spending most of my free time either shovelling, staying indoors and going stir-crazy with my daughter, or enlisting the help of neighbours to help me push my car out of wherever it's stuck. The roof of my house is collecting ice dams that are causing major ceiling leaks. I can't bike because even the main roads are so icy, snowy, and laden with snowbanks that there is no safe way to get to work. There might not be for quite some time. My car just spent 30 hours of the past weekend stuck in deep snow because I fish-tailed into a part of the road that hadn't been cleared, and that's how long it took for me to wait for a tow truck to arrive. All this had led me to the same question I ask myself every winter, but now more than ever:

My ceiling leak - the first one.

WHY THE F%&* DO I LIVE HERE?????

As soon as I'm actually able to ride again, I will post more. Until then, I'll wait impatiently for the city to clear the roads and people to clear their sidewalks so that maybe, just maybe, I'll actually get a chance to ride this winter.

Illness - Day 38

Seriously, Body, WTF?

It's been over a month since I was first afflicted with my strange illness. It was pretty rough for the first few days, causing a generally-non-medicating person to down the maximum dosage of my prescription painkillers every day. After the first few days it's been fairly mild, and I have to say that it's been quite a while since discomfort has kept me up at night. Still . . . after two courses of antibiotics, X-rays, ultrasounds, blood tests and urine samples, I am no closer to an answer as to what this actually is/was. And worst of all, it's not completely gone. Just last night and even this morning I've had a few pangs of pain. So what gives?

I'm about to head out of town for the holidays, so I haven't visited the doctor again since finishing my latest two-week course of antibiotics a few days ago. I'll do that when I get back, at which point he may suggest that the next step is IV antibiotics as an outpatient in a hospital. For how little this illness is currently affecting me, the investigation and treatment sure seems to be taking up a lot of my time! Good thing I don't have to pay out of pocket for all this - thank you universal healthcare!! xoxo (That's right, I'm making out with universal health care, deal with it.)

The last time I saw the doctor he told me to avoid bike-commuting for the time being. Despite for the most part cautiously heeding his warning, I did go for a 8-km round trip ride to the bank about a week ago just to try out my new studded tires. It was AWESOME! I fishtailed a couple times, but for the most part I felt more steady on my bike than I have in my car on these snowy roads. I was dismayed at how out of shape I was, though. MAN, riding in the snow sure takes it out of you! Especially when you haven't exercised in a while.

When I get back from the holidays I'm getting back on the damn bike. Clearly, not biking hasn't made my illness go away, so I might as well take a stab at whether biking will help me out. Research has demonstrated that exercising through illnesses such as colds can boost our immune system and that being sick doesn't impact our exercise performance. So, who knows? Maybe getting back in the saddle is just what the doctor ordered . . . except he didn't . . . but I'm gonna do it anyway!

Today is my last day at work before the holidays, and then I'm off until the 5th. So long, suckers!! That is to say, have a fabulous holiday season and a wonderful new year, and I look forward to joining the ranks of my fellow winter bike-commuters again in January!

Keep it real, my friends. And have a safe, warm, and happy holiday.

Illness - Day 23

As much as my lovely pain-y goodness has decreased substantially since the first few days of illness, these damn symptoms will not go away. I went back to the doctor to complain that the treatment so far isn't completely working, though things have improved. He ordered some more blood and urine tests and x-rays as well as an abdominal ultrasound. The tests came back suggesting some kind of kidney infection, so he prescribed a two-week course of antibiotics to kill that off. I've started on those, but my symptoms are still not completely gone. Hopefully by the time I'm done with the antibiotics it'll all be over. Still, my ultrasound appointment isn't for another 9 days, so there's also a part of me that's hoping there's more to this story that we haven't figured out yet given that my symptoms are atypical for a kidney infection.

I was halfway out of the doctor's office when I turned around suddenly. "I'm a bike-commuter, and since I'm feeling a lot better do you think that it's okay for me to get back on my bike yet?" I asked hopefully. The doctor thought about this for a moment, then said "Well, you are ill, even if you don't always feel that way. Also, I'm worried that the seating position on a bicycle might exacerbate some of what's going on there. This is a pretty virulent strain of bacteria that you have." Damnit! No bike-commuting yet.

I did find one little trick to get in a bit of exercise, though. I've just discovered that I can park my car at a public park about a 3.25 km (~30 min) walk from the university for free. So I park there, walk the rest of the way to work, and then walk back to my car at the end of the day. It adds almost a full half-hour to my commute each way, but at least I get an hour of exercise and a solid 6.5 km walk in each day. That's a whole lot better than nothing at all! And walking is so low-impact I can't imagine it being deleterious to my health! Don't I feel clever . . .

Pleurisy

Gather round, children, and let me tell you a little story. A terrible, terrible story.

I spent some time Saturday afternoon doing some grocery shopping and getting ready for a Bad Taste Party - you know, a party where people dress up in ridiculously offensive costumes and have a great time. While I was shopping I started developing a bit of a headache and my joints started feeling a bit sore - that achey body feeling that sneaks up when I'm either getting sick or that lingers while I'm getting over an illness. By the time I got home, I was starting to notice some discomfort in the left side of my chest. No biggie - I got ready for the party, packing an overnight bag in case I needed to stay over at my friend's house (yay, not having to come home at a decent time to relieve a babysitter means that I can actually drink at parties!).

At the party I was amazed to find that not only was my Bad Taste costume matched by someone who had come up with the exact same idea, but I was floored to discover that two party-goers managed to out-Bad-Taste me! I was thoroughly impressed, and thoroughly grateful that cameras were not allowed at this party. I spent the night joking and talking and partaking in libations, but all the while the pain in my chest grew and grew. By the end of the night I couldn't stand and chat in the kitchen with the other guests - I leaned heavily on the granite-topped island and rubbed at the pain that was spreading around my ribs into my back. I grew paler and paler as the pain increased.

"You don't look well," my friend told me after we said goodbye to the last party guests and headed upstairs for bed. She made up a hot water bottle for me, which I hugged greedily against my sore body, and offered me an over-the-counter acetaminophen painkiller with codeine in it. I downed the maximum dosage and gingerly tucked myself into her comfortable guest bed, pressing the hot water bottle against the ever-increasing pains. Despite being exhausted, and despite the codeine pills, the pain made it difficult to fall asleep, and when I did finally slip into slumberville I awoke three hours later with stabbing pains in my chest, back, and shoulder. I took more painkillers, but it took another two hours before they kicked in well enough for me to catch another measly couple hours of sleep. This wasn't good.

In the morning, my friend convinced me to see a doctor, and that I promptly did. The pain level was still increasing, and my breathing became restricted and shallow as every normal inhalation resulted in stabbing, crippling pain. Over the next two days I would see a total of four different doctors, get lab and x-ray tests done, and be given several possible diagnoses ranging from acid reflux to kidney stones. By the end of this nightmare, I was finally diagnosed tentatively with pleurisy - an infection of the protective lining around my lungs. It can cause excruciating pain, especially on inhalation, and it may have been precipitated by the sinus infection I was rocking two weeks ago.

I've been on antibiotics and prescription painkillers since Sunday - the day that a momentary lapse in self-medicating caused a couple hours' worth of pain I can only describe as similar to a strong labour contraction that never let up. It was crippling, I could barely breathe, and when I started to cry from the pain the involuntary gasps for air that my body took in between sobs left me feeling like I was being stabbed between the ribs each time. This caused more painful strangled sobs, which led to more awful gasps of air that led to worse pain, and so on and so on. Luckily, I did eventually arrest this terrible cycle, and within a couple of hours the painkillers kicked in. Nevertheless, I arranged for my daughter to remain with her father in Calgary while I recovered, and I continued to stay in my friend's care in case an emergency trip to the hospital was necessary.

I've missed two days of work now, and I will likely be back to work on Friday. I'm still in pain, but it's become manageable with medication and rest. The big question now is when I'll be able to get back on the bike. After all, the whole problem is my lungs and - well - the whole act of breathing. As the temperature drops to wintry freezing levels and I spend more and more days sitting on my ass "resting", I know that getting back on the bike again will be a slightly punishing experience on my lungs. So, when will I be able to do that again? From the vantage point of this moment, sitting at my computer and feeling the rumbling of my inflamed lung tissue rubbing against itself with each breath, having to press firmly against my chest to stem the pain that still comes in waves, I'm thinking it's not going to be this week.

We'll see what the future holds. As I continue to recover and regain my capacity to breathe properly again, I will let you know when I'll be able to get in the saddle again. Until then, I'm afraid this blog is likely going dark.

So long, my friends. I will see you on the other side!

To Diet or Not to Diet

WEATHER THERE: sunny, 0C (-3C with windchill), 9 km/hr tailwinds
WEATHER BACK: clear, 5C, 8 km/hr headwinds

I took a long hiatus from cycling over the summer, and after two months without being on the bike I returned to it this past September. However, it's been on a much more part-time basis, as I only work three days per week now instead of five. As much as I've intended to bike to work and use my office for dissertation research on my off days, that hasn't really panned out, so I've been stuck cycling only three days a week and not five so far this year.

Last September, I was amazed with myself for having lost 10 lbs in a month without dieting, just by starting to bike-commute. When my cycling efforts were no longer enough to continue the weight loss, I started dieting too. That's when everything kind of went off the rails. You see, when a person has been overweight since the age of five and going through bingeing and dieting cycles since before she hit puberty, that person can develop some mighty strong and mighty negative associations with dieting. Namely, that restriction leads to starvation which leads to bingeing which leads to weight gain, and inevitably this cycle feeds itself (no pun intended) as the weight gain fuels motivation to diet again.

I mention this because over the past few months I've been at a loss as to what to do. I know that dieting will only lead to negative consequences for myself, but I also feel compelled to do something drastic to reverse the weight I gained when I stopped biking for two months. And it's not a small amount - it took me nine months to lose 40 pounds, and three months to put back on 20. One the one hand, I feel a desperate desire to reverse that trend in a hurry. On the other hand, I know that a lot of that recent weight gain is the result of me trying to diet in lieu of cycling, which inevitably led to bingeing, which inevitably led to more dieting . . . well, you get the idea.

So - the moral of the story is that dieting doesn't work for me. Never has, never will. The question, then, is what to do to lose weight in a healthy, sustainable way without feeling like I'm dieting so that I can avoid falling into the binge-diet cycle again. Any suggestions? I'll keep thinking about it and I'll get back to you on this . . .

Speed Demons

WEATHER THERE: clear, 4C, 28 km/hr cross/headwinds (gusting to 39 km/hr)

WEATHER BACK:sunny, 13C, 8 km/hr cross/tailwinds

"Wow, you're fast!" I blurted out in awe.
"Haha, thanks," my fellow cyclist replied, "I'm not that fast, though - there was one guy who passed me back there going a lot faster than me!"
"Yeah, I saw him too, that was crazy!"
"He must've been in quite a rush."

I had this conversation at a red light today on the way home from work. I felt compelled to comment on this fellow cyclist's speed because I had been clipping along 100 Avenue at what is probably my top speed on a flat stretch of road - 27 km/hr - when this guy blew past me and quickly vanished out of sight around a bend in the road. I caught up to him at the light a couple blocks later and started the above conversation with him. He seemed like a nice guy - it's always nice to chat at red lights, it's one of my favourite things about bike-commuting!

Yesterday, the same thing happened (minus the red light and the conversation). Along 100 Avenue, while I was making personal land speed records for myself, two guys passed me at a speed I guesstimate to be around 30-35 km/hr - likely even faster! That is unheard of to me! How the hell do they do it? They're not even in spandex. It kind of blew my mind, and made me feel like a chubby slow-poke.

I missed bike-commuting last Friday because that sore throat I had at the beginning of the week turned into a sinus infection that really knocked me out by the end of the week. I wouldn't have gone to work on Friday if I didn't have two important things to attend to, so I drugged myself up with daytime sinus medication and hauled my sick, sorry ass to work in my car. Yesterday was my first day back to bike-commuting after being sick, and my third day of bike-commuting after returning from Mexico. So, basically, I haven't done a lot of biking over the past two or three weeks.

The illness and the vacation and the lack of exercise have left me feeling kind of out of shape. This feeling has been really driven home by how many people who keep passing me at such extraordinarily greater speeds than I'm going. I mean, these people aren't just passing me, they're leaving me in the dust! And it seems like it's everywhere - those guys on 100 Avenue two days in a row, a middle-aged lady on the High Level Bridge yesterday morning, even some dude riding on the sidewalk without a helmet was going faster than me the other day! What gives?? The weirdest part about all this is that according to my bike computer, I'm going as fast or even faster than ever. I usually top out at 21-22 km/hr on flat stretches of road, and the past couple of days I've been managing 24-27 km/hr along certain parts of my commute (in particular, the High Level Bridge and 100 Avenue). I've been a regular Speedy Gonzales!! So why are there so many people who seem to have come out of nowhere who are apparently rocket-powered?

Go figure. I guess I should just be grateful that there are so many cyclists still out on their bikes at this time of year. It is, after all, November, and it's been beautiful weather. Perhaps I should focus more on that - and also on my record speeds (yay me for hitting 27 km/hr today along 100 Avenue!) - and less on comparing myself to other people.

I daresay that's good advice in all aspects of life, not just biking.

Too Much Information

From http://thegloss.com/beauty/the-winner-of-the-worst-bikini-wax-story-contest-is/

I won't go into the details about how wondering to myself, "hey, I wonder if I should try getting a bikini wax before my trip to Mexico?" somehow turned into accidentally receiving an excruciating Brazilian wax. Nor will I go into the indignity I experienced as I paid a whopping $65 for the honour of said procedure, then waddled awkwardly back to my car like I'd just done a five-day stint at a working ranch. I won't even describe how terrible it feels to wear pants right now.

However, I will offer this word of caution for you, my fine friends: if you are thinking of undergoing some personal landscaping down yonder and you are a bike-commuter, ensure that you have alternate modes of transportation for a couple of days, because:

WAXING and CYCLING do not mix.

Just sayin' . . .

A Weird Week

After making homemade hot cocoa with dinner, and spending the evening in cozy pajamas under a fleece blanket while reading, I would have thought that sleep would come easy to me on Monday night. Alas, I had a bit of trouble falling asleep and didn't drift into slumber until sometime after 11:00 pm. By 1:00 am, I was awakened by cranky whining sounds emanating from my daughter's room across the hall. These little sounds came in fits and bursts, and when I would call out to her to see what was the matter, she would stop. Or she would ask for milk, which I would deny her because of her pesky habit of taking the lids off her sippy cups and spilling milk all over her crib. Or she would make some other kind of request that would similarly be shut down. This continued on an off for a couple hours, and between each bout of sadness I remained awake and listening for the next one.

"Moooommmmmy," I heard her wail. "Moooommmy, I'm all wet!" My gritty-with-exhaustion eyes turned groggily to my clock - it was 3:30 am, and I'd barely slept all night. I just wanted to ignore her and try to fall back asleep. "Moooommmmmy, there's pee in there!" Ughhh. I forced myself out of bed to confront the pee-soaked scene.

My daughter keeps doing this - pulling her pajamas off, pulling her diaper off, and peeing in her bed, then spending the rest of the night grieving the loss of her beloved (pee-soaked) blankie which I am forced to throw into the laundry. Because of this fiasco, I didn't sleep a wink for the rest of the night. Tuesday was a write-off. Even when I tried to drop my daughter off at daycare in the morning, I was called back 20 minutes later to pick her up because she was so exhausted and cranky that the daycare couldn't handle her. We spent the day at home, and I went through the day in a zombie fog from lack of sleep. And yet, strangely, I wasn't able to nap at any point.

The whole rest of my week was thrown off by this. Tuesday, typically a work day, was spent at home, so I didn't bike. Wednesday I met a friend for lunch then went into work for the afternoon where I sat barely functioning in front of my computer trying to look like I was being productive when I couldn't possibly have been. I didn't bike that day either. Thursday I took my daughter and myself for travel vaccines then stayed home for the rest of the day while we recovered (she had a slight fever). Once again, I didn't bike. And now it's Friday, and it's only my second full day at work all week, and I'm still feeling groggy and sleep-deprived (though certainly improved from Tuesday!). Using my sore vaccinated arm as an excuse, I didn't bike today either.

Wow. What a crappy week! I only biked once. I've been functioning at the cognitive level of the undead since Tuesday. And now things are starting to pick up - I have projects to complete at work, and a dissertation deadline looming in the next week - and this whole week has basically felt like a write-off. Sigh!

I know these kinds of weeks happen . . . to other people . . . Oh, okay, FINE! They happen to me too. And it's okay. Still, it's hard to feel good when I'm feeling this tired and unproductive. Huh. No wonder I hated my mat leave so much!

Hobbies vs. Relationship

My boyfriend and I recently broke up after dating for about three months. Without either of us really realizing or intending it, our relationship very quickly became a serious, all-encompassing thing that squeezed out time for socializing with our friends and having alone-time. This was more of a problem for me than for him, which caused some friction (perhaps unfairly, as it wasn't necessarily anyone's fault). I suspect it was just an artifact of me having so little time and so much to do that adding one extra thing to my life forced me to ignore other equally important things, and over time that turned into resentment for everything that demanded my time.

Looking back on the past three months, I noticed it was around the start of that relationship that I began to bike less and less. I think a few factors were at play, including the fact that I was starting to feel very burnt out at work and the weather took a turn for the very rainy. Combine those factors with my ex-boyfriend's generous willingness to pick me up from work on days I didn't feel like biking home, my sense of needing to rush home and get everything sorted out before he came over for our late-night hang-outs, and my accumulated loss of sleep (between my daughter's occasional overnight wake-ups, the late-night hang-outs, and our tendency to engage in into-the-night fights when tensions arose) - and you've got a recipe for not biking.

Now, beginning a few weeks ago I had legitimate mechanical issues with my bikes - both of them - and legitimate indecision about what to do with them. Still, I think that if I felt more motivated to bike and felt like I had more time for it, I would have resolved those issues much faster than I did. After all, there was just about nothing that could stop me from biking in the winter months when my motivation was high and I only had three things in my life: work, daughter, and biking. I had a pretty sweet set-up going: I went to bed at the same time every night, I prepared for my next commute in the ample time I had to myself every night before bed, and nothing interfered with my sleep except the occasional daughter's late-night wake-up.

When taken together, all of this has left me to conclude that my former relationship tended to work against my biking habit. That relationship took up a lot of my time and energy, leaving me too crunched for time and too emotionally and physically exhausted to invest in my only hobby. As much as my ex was very supportive of my biking and my other efforts to get healthier, factoring our relationship into my life squeezed out my capacity and motivation to keep doing it. So, now that the relationship is over, I'm elated that I will actually be able to get back to biking again! Huzzah!! Three cheers for silver linings!

I have three more days left of my internship. Then, starting next week, I will be working three days a week at the university and spending the remaining two days a week working on my dissertation. Given that there is a lot of wrapping up I have to do, and cleaning out my office, and transferring my stuff from one building on campus to another, I may not end up biking for another few days. But the moment I get back in the saddle I will be sure to report it here first.

Yippee!! I can't wait!!

Update

This is me taking a MEC "Desire" bicycle out for a test drive. Can't say I was a big fan.

It's been too long, my friends! It's been far too long.

Now that it's nearing the end of August and I haven't written a blog entry in weeks, I thought it's about damn time to give you a little update about what's been going on in HealthyBiker Land. The truth is, HealthyBiker hasn't been so healthy lately.

First of all, Mike the Bike has been out of commission since the last blog entry I wrote. So has Eastwood, my $50 mountain bike. I've been hemming and hawing about whether I should get one or both of these bikes fixed, or just buy a new and much better bike, or whether I'd even be biking again come September. A lot of those decisions couldn't be made until I knew what my plans were going to be for the upcoming school year - how much money would I be making? Would I be working full-time? How much time flexibility would I have? All of these factors would impact whether I was biking or walking and what my bike budget might be.

The truth is, it's August - fucking - 24th and I STILL don't know what's going on! I had an interview today for a potential job, I have another one scheduled for next week, I've already had two others (this is all on top of working full-time and being a single freakin' parent to The Tantrum Queen). And as of this moment I am no closer to knowing the answers to any of those pressing questions. This, despite the fact that September is ONE WEEK AWAY.

I can't say that I handle this uncertainty well. In fact, this is the kind of thing that causes me to stress out so much I develop Irritable Bowel Syndrome (that's a fact, my friends: I did actually develop a one-time, months-long bout of IBS while I was waiting to hear whether I was accepted into the PhD program a few years ago - which is, I guess, marginally better than having an intestinal parasite).

This is also the kind of thing that causes me to overeat . . . and by that I mean binge. Hard. That utterly useless coping mechanism, combined with a complete absence of biking and any other form of exercise for that matter, has left me feeling like all the health benefits I gained from the hard work of the past 11 months of bike-commuting has been completely erased by the last six weeks of shitty living. I know I've gained weight - a distressing amount, in fact, given the short time I've gained it in. I feel remarkably unfit. I know all this has to stop - I need to get my eating habits back under control and get back into some kind of exercise routine, like, say, getting back on the freakin' bike already!!!! At the same time, I feel just as stuck about my decision-making abilities today as I did six weeks ago.

While waiting for time to provide me with some much-needed answers, I've been dragging my ass slowly and bitterly to the finish line of my internship (which has been a truly fabulous experience, and also utterly exhausting). Today I spent some time cleaning out my office in between seeing some of my clients for the last time. It's kind of sad because I have to end these relationships, yet it's also kind of triumphant because so many of my clients are doing so much better than they were before that it feels like I'm watching formerly wounded birds fly back into the wild again after a full recovery. It's emotional, and rewarding, and altogether stressful.

I couldn't take the waiting game anymore. I contacted BikeWorks, the awesome do-it-yourself bike shop run by the Edmonton Bike Commuters Society, to see if they would be able to fix Mike the Bike for me. They said they don't operate like that - that a volunteer mechanic could help me fix Mike, but that I'd have to do the work. Since I work full-time and have my daughter on my hip every moment I'm not at work, that's something I just don't have the time to do, but the lovely and helpful Anna from BikeWorks got me in touch with one of the volunteer mechanics who would be able to fix Mike the Bike for a much more reasonable rate than a bike shop service department would charge. So, daughter on my hip and Mike the Bike stuffed into my trunk, I drove Mike out to this mechanic's garage and got a quote - the $300 fix-up quoted by the bike shop was now going to cost me $100. Done deal!

So, Mike is now officially in repair. My front porch seems so empty without his presence. In the meantime, my fingers keep drawing me to the new and improved Revolution Cycle website where they have a list of bikes on sale. It is a very good time of year to buy a new bike, isn't it, my fellow bike-commuters? I have a very good mind to say "fuck it all!!" and just get Mike repaired for use as a beater bike and invest some money on a brand spankin' new general purpose bike. When it would appear that I can get a pretty decent bike for under $800 at Revolution Cycle right now, why the hell not??

I wish I could tell you something about the job situation for the coming year. I wish I could tell you more about what bike I'm going to get. I wish I could tell you when I'm even going to get Mike back. But I can't. So I'll check out the bikes on sale at Revolution Cycle, I'll keep in touch with the awesome bike mechanic, and I'll keep trying to get my life in order for September. And I promise, after that several week hiatus I just inflicted upon you, I'll be very sure to keep you posted from now on!!

Week 45 - Day Five: It's Been Emotional

After a day of going back and forth with text messages and e-mails, then a phone call, and then an in-person visit, as of last night my boyfriend and I have decided to go on a break for the next month and re-evaluate where we stand then. To call everything that transpired yesterday and into the late evening unpleasant would be a significant understatement. It was heartbreaking. I barely slept all night, only finally falling asleep in the early morning hours, then I slept in and was running late when I got up. I left the bike at home and just drove.

A colleague and I went for a 30-40 minute walk over lunch, as we usually do on Tuesdays and Fridays, but today we went farther, faster, and did more hills and stairs to compensate for the fact that I didn't bike-commute. While it's still not remotely the same level of exercise as an hour of biking, at least I know I got some exercise in. That's important when I'm feeling as drained - physically and emotionally - as I am today.

I'm looking forward to a nice big dinner and an early bed time. I'm looking forward to some social time with some friends on Saturday night. I'm even looking forward to mowing the lawn Sunday afternoon. Compared to the process of separating myself from someone I care about, just about anything looks fun.

Week 45 - Day Four: Burning Off Steam

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 24 min.
TIME BACK: 24 min.
WEATHER: clear, 17C, 4 km/hr crosswind there; a few clouds, 27C (feels like 29C), 11 km/hr cross/headwinds back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga capris, t-shirt
NOTES:

Huh. It's amazing how useful a bike-ride home can be. After exchanging uppity text messages and e-mails all day (wow, has domestic discordance sure changed over the years), the ride home was a great opportunity to blow off steam and think things through better. By the time I got home, I had a pretty good idea how to proceed, and I didn't feel too overwhelmed by emotions about it because I worked that shit out through my pedals.

Good to know, n'est-ce pas?

Week 43 - Day Five: Tired

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 24 min.
TIME BACK: n/a (got a ride home from my boyfriend who had the day off)
WEATHER: partly cloudy, 16C, 19km/hr tailwinds there
WHAT I WORE: yoga capris, t-shirt, zip-up hoodie
NOTES:

This has been an exhausting week. I've been getting between 4-6 hours of sleep per night all week, which has left me by Friday feeling really quite drained. Between spending time with my boyfriend and having my family come to visit and my daughter losing her last remaining soother and thus being unable to get herself back to sleep when she wakes up in the middle of the night, my sleep has been severely lacking.

So, this afternoon my boyfriend is picking me up from work and we're going to shove my bike into the trunk. Then we're going to drive to the amazing French bakery that I just recently discovered in town, called Duchess Bake Shop (at 124 St and 107 Ave), and pick up some dessert. Then we're going to pick up my daughter and have some barbecued steaks, arugula salad, and delicious French pastries for dinner. And then, if everything goes according to plan, I will pass out in my warm comfy bed at 9 pm and sleep for a solid 10 hours. That will be amaaaaazing!

I am desperately looking forward to this.

Week 43 - Day Four: Body Image

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 24 min.
TIME BACK: 26 min.
WEATHER: clear, 16C, no wind there; a few clouds, 25C, 9 km/hr crosswinds back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, zip-up hoodie
NOTES:

Out of nowhere, today I woke up with a deep sense of satisfaction with my body just as it is right now. Let's not kid ourselves here, I still have plenty of weight to lose: I'm still well into the "Obesity" range according to the BMI charts, I'm somewhere around a size 14-16, and no matter how much muscle I claim to have on my 5'4, 192-pound frame, it's still buried under a solid layer of fat.

And yet, today it feels like that doesn't really matter. My boyfriend has commented before: "You're not really self-conscious, are you?" And it's true, for the most part I'm really not. Yeah, put me in a bathing suit in a public setting and I might feel a bit nervous, but most days I'm pretty self-assured. I know that having thick thighs doesn't negate my kick-ass sense of humour, and that having belly fat makes me no less competent as a psychologist and academic. I know my daughter will always love me regardless of my weight because I adore her and raise her as best I can. My family will always love me. Regardless of wherever I'm at with my vastly fluctuating weight, I've never had too much of a problem attracting partners. So what the Hell would be the point of feeling bad about myself?

Sometimes I get hard on myself about not losing more weight during this year of bike-commuting. I get fed up that I'm doing all this physical activity and I've still only averaged a weight loss of 4.4 pounds a month since I started nine months ago. And then there are other days, like today, when I feel like I would be perfectly content to weigh exactly what I weigh right now for the rest of my life even while exercising 1-2 hours a day, five days a week. Especially if that amount of exercise means that I'll never have to go on another restrictive diet again for the rest of my long life. If I can enjoy my food and enjoy my exercise and find some balance in my life with that and work and family life and everything else that occupies me, I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life with thick thighs and belly fat. It's a small price to pay for the unadulterated joy I get from enjoying a really good meal out with a friend, or throwing back a Slurpee on a hot summer day.

I can't say I feel like this every day, but today it's so worth it!

Week 43 - Day Three: Family Visit (Drove)

My brother, his girlfriend, and their son (who is two months younger than my daughter) came to town last night for a short visit - they're leaving tomorrow morning. They arrived around 10 pm on Tuesday night, and I spent the couple hours I had before that making sure the place was relatively clean, freshly vacuumed, and that the guest bedroom in particular was functional for them.

My still-new boyfriend came over and stuck around long enough to meet them when they arrived. He did this, even though it made for a really late night for him, because he knew it meant a lot to me for him to meet my family (who, by the way, are objectively the greatest people of all time). It's always a big moment: the new boyfriend meeting the family for the first time. I put a lot of stock in it because I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't fit in with my family. They all got along really well, even though the meeting was quite short, and that was a huge relief to me. Way to jump that hurdle, old chap!

Because I wanted to leave as late in the morning as possible and arrive home as early as possible - even ducking out of work an hour early to maximize the amount of time I could spend with my family - I drove today. With no regrets. I got home shortly after 3 pm instead of 4:45, and I spent the whole rest of the afternoon and evening hanging out with my brother and his family. The little toddler cousins played and watched lame toddler movies and shared in their own strange conversations with each other (they way they converse is so cute given that language is so new to both of them!). We went to the Cheesecake Cafe for dinner. It's one of those establishments that was family-friendly enough to take the kids to while introducing the visiting adults to a restaurant they can only DREAM of in their hometown of Lloydminster. It worked out well. We all had belly-aches by the time we were through with it.

I love when family comes to visit. It'll be sad when they leave. These are the days that I desperately wish I were back in Regina, living in a city teeming with family and social supports. My daughter would have a relationship with her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandma. Sure, maybe Regina wouldn't be the best place for me to set up an ambitious private practice and become a millionaire (insert smirk here), but it would sure be wonderful to be around family. So, that begs the question (one I discussed at great length with my brother as we digested cheesecake): what's more important at this stage of my life, family or career? And if I can figure that out - and I think I can - where the Hell am I going to live when I graduate from this program?

Oh, the questions! None of which have easy answers.

Week 42 - Day Three: Quarterhorse

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 56 min. (walking)
TIME BACK: 32 min. (biking, including a fruitless stop at MEC on the way home to get a replacement spoke; sadly, they don't carry them, so I'll have to go to Revolution Cycle for that)
WEATHER: partly cloudy, 13C, 7 km/hr wind there; overcast, 19C, 9 km/hr crosswinds back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants (oh my GOD I need shorts!!), t-shirt
NOTES:

Gather round, children: let me tell you a little something about breeds of horses.

The American Quarterhorse is a muscular, agile horse traditionally used for herding. They are built for quick turns, stopping on a dime, walking all day with the herd, and galloping fast over short distances. They are often found on working ranches, at trail riding facilities, and rodeos.

The Thoroughbred is tall and elegant horse, with long legs and lean muscles. They are built for athletics: they are fast, have great endurance, and are among the most elegant breed of the species. Given their builds and the rigorous early training they often endure, Thoroughbreds are prone to injuries in their legs. They are often found in elite sports stables, such as those at racetracks and jumping facilities.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a Quarterhorse. This is something I've concluded recently, after adding yet another piece of evidence to the pile. The most recent evidence I have for this is that I've realized I love sprinting. And I can be pretty fast for someone as overweight as I am. At my current fitness level, I really can't keep up my top speed for more than a block or so at a time, but I love me some of those start-and-stop sprints. And, strangely enough for someone who has a long history of hip and knee joint pain, I've found that jogging irritates the hell out of my joints but sprinting doesn't. In fact, sprinting feels great!

This sprinting evidence is added to the other information I already have about myself that points to me being a Quarterhorse rather than a Thoroughbred: I'm muscular, I put on muscle and fat quite easily but lose it with some difficulty, I've always been fast over short distances (I even managed to represent my school at track meets for the 100-metre dash despite being obese as a kid!), and my body does very well with walking as my main form of exercise. Combine that with my new-found love (and ease) of sprinting, and you've got yourself a genuine Quarterhorse!

The problem as I see it is that I suspect things like running and road biking are sports for people who are Thoroughbreds. Sports like football and mountain biking are more suited to Quarterhorses. Perhaps this is the reason that I feel more and more drawn to trying out mountain biking as my interest in road biking (like doing that upcoming triathlon in September) declines. This may also be why I've been having such a great time alternating walk- and bike-commuting instead of bike-commuting all day every day. Maybe I should go back to riding through the river valley, but take more mountain-bikey routes instead of following the paved path. That might be a lot more fun, and a lot more suited to me. Ooh, now there's a thought . . .

So, what are you? Quarterhorse or Thoroughbred?

Week 41 - Day Two: I Miss Walking :(

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 23 min.
TIME BACK: 27 min. (really???)
WEATHER: overcast, 8C 19 km/hr crosswinds there; overcast, 13C, 7 km/hr crosswinds back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, sweatshirt
NOTES:

The saddle sores are acting up again. I'm feeling muscle-tired and sore. I terribly miss walking, and I fantasize about leaving the bike at home one of these days and taking up walk-commuting. Of course, I can't quite do that because it would take at least a solid hour of walking each way, and my daughter's daycare isn't open long enough to allow me to do that and work a full day. So I'm stuck. I want to get out and enjoy a good walk the way I used to, especially on those beautiful sunny days when I really want to take in the scenery and the sunshine, but it seems I just can't these days. What a shame.

For the first couple years that I lived in Edmonton, I lived 5 km from the university and would walk either to and from school, or just from (I'd take the bus in the morning and then walk home in the evening). I loved this: I love the pace of walking, how I can take in the scenery while keeping a decent pace, how I can take a good long look at the things around me without fear of getting into a high-speed collision with anything, how I can listen to music instead of having to be keenly aware of traffic sounds at all times. I loved that when I walk-commuted - whether I was in Edmonton, or that summer I spent living and working in California - I was in really good shape and my body had a very balanced, well-maintained look to it. Right now I'm feeling pretty damn bottom-heavy as my thighs get heavier and more muscular. I didn't have that when I was walking - not much muscle build-up, and lots of fat loss. Sigh! I miss that!

I think I just need to pick a day when I don't have anything scheduled right at 9:00 am and just walk. I've been fantasizing about it long enough. I want to see how long it takes me to walk 6 km to work going through the river valley. I want to see if my feet and my hips can handle that much walking now that I'm older, I've given birth, and I haven't invested in really good walking shoes lately. I think that will be a very nice change of pace, and a very welcome change of scenery.

Maybe I'm just getting sick of bike-commuting. Could it be???

Week 41 - Day One: All the Different Muscles

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 23 min.
TIME BACK: 27 min.
WEATHER: a few clouds, 14C, no wind there; partly cloudy, 13C, 15 km/hr headwinds home.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, sweatshirt
NOTES:

I spent the weekend in Calgary visiting my baby-daddy. This meant leaving early from work on Friday afternoon, going straight to Sophia's daycare to pick up my daughter, and hitting the highway before the major traffic started building up. Sophia was such a trooper - I was so proud of her for travelling as well as she did on that three-hour road trip. Nevertheless, the trip didn't bode well for my efforts to get fitter. I didn't bike-commute to work on Friday, I sat on my ass for most of the weekend either driving to or from Calgary or hanging out at baby-daddy's house by myself while he went out to spend quality time with our daughter. Also, between the constraints of traveling and our sheer laziness, we ended up eating mostly fast food all damn weekend. And chocolates. An entire box of chocolates.

When stupid, horrible habit woke me up at 6:30 am on Saturday (even after going to bed after midnight), I realized that this early wakening was a gift in disguise. Sophia was still sleeping and her dad was in charge of her care for the weekend, so I could do whatever I wanted with myself. I was overcome with delight: would this mean that I would get to go on a walk? By myself??? First thing in the morning????

I quietly got dressed and headed out the door, reveling in this rare freedom. I never go for walks without pushing a stroller, which inevitably turns into my daughter demanding to walk herself, which inevitably turns into the sloooooowest walk in the history of the world punctuated by short bursts of chasing her down as she giddily bolts for the busiest road in sight. It's really not that pleasant, and unless I'm walking to the grocery store or the park I quite rarely go for walks anymore. And that's a damn shame, because walking is my all-time favourite mode of transportation and way to pass time.

During my 45-minute outing on Saturday, I started off walking, then I picked up into a jog for about 10-15 minutes until my knee started getting sore. Then I continued walking, but punctuated the walk with short 1- to 1.5-block sprints, which was somehow easier on my knees (and a hell of a lot of fun!!!). By the time I got back to baby-daddy's house, I felt free and refreshed and delighted to come home to my daughter's happy little face.

The problems started the next day. I woke up feeling kind of sore in muscles that I don't really use for biking but that I must have used quite a bit on my walk-jog-sprint. The muscles around my hips and ribs, my calves, even for some reason my abs, all of these were sore. By the time I got back to Edmonton on Sunday afternoon, my muscles had clenched up even more - who knew that sitting in a car for three hours straight wouldn't help the problem??

It made me realize that I should probably expand my exercise horizons. Sure, the biking is wonderful during the week, but there is so much more I can be doing that works all sorts of other muscle groups and gets my heart pounding. And what about strength training? I'm not doing any of that! Maybe on the weekends when I have the time I can take my daughter into the river valley and go on nice walks with her. Maybe in the evenings I can be doing abdominal exercises and push-ups and all sorts of splendid things.

Of course, not starting tonight. Dear Lord, no, not tonight! But maybe . . . tomorrow . . .