Ho Ho Ho: Tis the Season of Giving

It's my last week at work now, and the campus is virtually empty. Staff buzz about because we have to, we're stuck here right up until the bitter end on the 24th, but the campus seems completely devoid of students. Work is slow. It snowed all day. And I drove to work.

There are many reasons I decided to drive instead of bike:

• Ma Johnson's Olde Fashioned Cold Remedy just hasn't seemed to do the trick, and every morning for the past few days I've woken up feeling sick. I have then spent the whole day trying to remedy it, only to have another poor night's sleep and wake up feeling sick again. So, as I have for the past few days, I had a terrible night's sleep last night and woke up feeling pretty sick this morning.
• It snowed a bit over the weekend, maybe a total of a few centimetres, and continued to snow throughout the day today. The snow is problematic for me because the options I have for my routes from the west end to the university are, in my experience, poorly maintained and can take several days after a snowfall to clear up enough to even be passable by bike. On top of that, the fresh snow covers problematic spots (i.e., potholes, mini ice moguls, deep tire ruts, etc.) that, when I can see them, I can avoid or adjust my riding style as I go over them, but when they're covered in snow they present a safety problem for me.
• Most of all, it's the last freakin' days of work before the holidays! When the holidays arrive, I'm flying back to my hometown with my daughter to spend the holidays with family. Traveling, dealing with my daughter's adjustment to a strange place, all the family commitments planned, and especially the several work-related meetings I have planned for that week back home make my "holiday" time anything but a vacation. So, my gift to myself this season is to sleep in a half-hour every morning, drive to work, arrive at my office with a large latte in hand, and settle in for a slow, lazy work day every day until I'm off on the afternoon of the 24th. I figure that, given the work-related meetings and continued dissertation research I have planned for my "vacation" back home, it's the very least I could do for myself.

So, being a lazy car-commuter this week, this will be my last blog posting until the New Year when I start bike-commuting again. Have a lovely holiday season, and I look forward to connecting again with you in the New Year. Have a SAFE, HAPPY HOLIDAY, friends!!!!

Week Sixteen - Day Five: Weight Watchin'

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 35 min.
TIME BACK: 35 min.
WEATHER: clear, -10C, 6km/hr wind there; clear, -3C (-7C with windchill), 11km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: boots, work socks, fleece pants, turtleneck, fleece mid-layer, lobster gloves, balaclava
NOTES:
Uggghhhhh . . . My beautiful lovable readers, I hate to say it, but if I want to hit my target weight by the end of the summer, I'm going to have to step up my nutrition regime. I can bike my 16 km round-trip commute every day through rain, snow, and -30C weather, but no matter what my exercise regiment is I'll continue being a chubber if I don't change my eating patterns. I just want to eat whatever I want, whenever I want - is that so much to ask?? Apparently . . . yes.

I've been using the website The Daily Burn to track the calories I'm burning with my bike commuting efforts and - most importantly - to track my nutritional intake. This website has been fantastic because it allows me to fairly accurately track how much I'm eating and how my food breaks down into its nutritional composition. For someone whose only successful weight-loss efforts have come from calorie-counting, this website is a God-send!

The bad news is that as much as I aim to stay within a caloric range that will lead to my eventual weight loss, doing the straight-up calorie-counting thing means that it doesn't matter if my calories are made up of a couple donuts or a well-balanced meal, it only matters that whatever I eat falls within the caloric range I'm aiming for. Normally this isn't a big deal - I usually eat fairly well, and calorie counting allows me to have a handful of chocolates during our team meeting at work or go out for a celebratory meal with friends without feeling remotely guilty. As long as I count the food, I'm allowed to eat it! No exceptions!

However, lately I haven't been following my usual pattern of eating fairly well and indulging occasionally. Instead, over the past week I have been eating Christmas chocolates and Lindt truffles and donuts at work (damn you, work, for exposing me to so much temptation!!). As much as I've been counting these treats, I can't imagine it's possible for me to continue losing weight when more than a third of the calories I ate one day this week were made up of donuts. These days, I feel as though I'm not necessarily overeating, but I'm certainly not eating well, and that can't be a good thing.

Perhaps I just need to chalk it up to "tis the season!", but I don't want to excuse myself from eating like a human being for two weeks straight just because the holidays are upon us. I don't want to gain 10 lbs in the second half of December after working so hard over the past three months to lose nearly 25 lbs. I don't want to face the beginning of January feeling malnourished because I've been eating nothing but sugar and fat! But then again, dietary restriction and I DO NOT get along. We've had a violent history, me and dietary restriction, and we're just no good for each other. So I'm not willing to say, "OK, Johnson, that's it - no more candy or baked goods!" Good luck with that, given all the Christmas parties still left to attend! But maybe a little more self-control is in order.

Week Sixteen - Day Four: Finding the Best Route and Gettin' ma Groove Back!

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 33 min. (woot!)
TIME BACK: 38 min.
WEATHER: partly cloudy, -12C, 7km/hr wind there; clear, -2C, 7km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: boots, regular socks, fleece pants, turtleneck, fleece mid-layer top, running gloves, scarf
NOTES:

On Biking

I'm learning through trial and error the best route to take to work when riding on sidewalks. It's quite a crap shoot, really, given that some (rare) parts of the sidewalk are bare as bone while there are other parts covered in a foot of hard-packed snow and ice with a narrow, uneven path trampled through it (not the best biking terrain, especially with a spindly road bike).

Today I learned the hard way that I really do need to turn north at 142nd St, then pedal west through the neighbourhood of Grovenor to get home. Otherwise, I'm stuck biking up 149th St., which has inaccessible sidewalks on both the east and west sides (at least it's consistent!). Given the heavy traffic on that road I have no interest in taking my bike to the street, so I've been stuck having to carry my bike over some unkempt parts of the sidewalk, cursing under my breath the whole way.

I think what's really adding to my ride time now is all the slowing down and stopping I have to do. After all, I'm negotiating my way across massive, concrete-hard tire ruts at every intersection, slogging my way through poorly shoveled areas of snowy sidewalks, steering around pedestrians, sign posts, and street lamps, and avoiding snow boulders (these are one-foot-diameter chunks of snow that are often rock-solid, filthy from car exhaust, and somehow strategically placed directly in my path on the narrowest trails through Snowbank Alley). Once in a while I can get up to a decent speed, but the stretches of sidewalk over which I can do this are quite short, and within the block I have to slow down - sometimes to a crawl, or even a stop - and try to build up my speed all over again. It's not that big a deal - it keeps the ride interesting, as though I'm playing chess and trying to predict the next challenge the terrain might throw my way, always trying to think two steps ahead so I can avoid whatever pitfalls might come. And it's a hell of a work-out!

On Me

And those work-outs are paying off. I haven't weighed myself in a while, and I don't plan to until next week sometime (I am not going to subject myself to the sadness of weighing myself on New Years morning after a week of Christmas cheer - aka, overeating and free-flowing libations!). Still, I know this biking thing is working. Today I wore a flattering, clingy scoop-neck black top and a decent pair of dark jeans to work. When I went down to the cafeteria to buy lunch, I couldn't help but feeling eyes on me. I noticed several young gentlemen noticing me. As much as I hate to admit that it made me feel good to grab the attention of some exam-weary undergrads at the university cafeteria, it did make me feel good - damn good! I haven't felt so "noticed" in a very long time, and on this occasion, I liked it!

Call it a victory for vanity, perhaps, but feeling good about myself and how I look sure keeps me motivated to keep biking!

Week Sixteen: Day Three: Back in the Saddle!

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 35 min.
TIME BACK: 37 min.
WEATHER: a few clouds, -16C, 6km/hr wind there; clear, -13C, 4km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: wool ski socks, boots, fleece pants, thermal underwear, turtleneck, fleece mid-layer, waterproof shell, lobster gloves, balaclava
NOTES:
My GOD, it felt good to get back on the bike today! The weather has been so cold that I've been putting it off since last week, and this morning I woke up with a million excuses not to bike. I felt a cold coming on, I didn't want to do it, the streets were too icy, it's just too hard, it takes too long . . . I nearly talked myself out of biking today, to be honest. What helped was having my bike-commuting outfit laid out for me when I woke up. It's hard to look at that and know that last night I was that determined to ride today, then still bail out.

And, really, I'm so glad I did bike today! As much as some people in my life make a big stink about it, and as much as it sometimes makes me feel like my own personal hero, bike-commuting is really not that big a deal. It doesn't take much longer, it's no less pleasant than dealing with traffic and parking, I didn't feel remotely cold this morning (to the contrary, I was a sweaty mess by the time I got to work) while I feel quite chilled when I drive, and I feel so much better - better mood, more energy, a healthier appetite - when I bike. What's not to love?

The anticipation of a dreaded event is almost always so much worse than the actual thing itself. I'm learning that the hard way with biking. Almost every morning when I first wake up, I don't want to bike. In those moments, I convince myself I hate biking. I just want to be lazy and wear my fashionable coat and breeze into work with a coffee in hand and my hair perfectly coiffed (read: brushed - that's about as fancy as my hair care gets). And yet, the moment I'm on the bike, I'm so grateful that I didn't give in to that lazy, path-of-least-resistance instinct that tries to talk me into driving every morning. The more frequently I bike, the easier it is to ignore that lazy part of me, and after a while that part hardly voices its opinion at all. So it seems everything is made worse the less I bike - the more days between bike-commutes, the harder it is to get back on the bike. So many things in life are like that, though, aren't they?

By the way, last night I started feeling a cold coming on: my throat was getting sore and phlegmy, I started coughing, my nose started getting blocked up, and I even started feeling the beginnings of body chills. I was convinced that without some serious intervention, I'd wake up with a full-blown cold. And yet, at the end of the day today, I'm feeling 100% myself! So, please allow me to share with you my infinite, priceless wisdom that seemed to make so much of a difference for me in the past twenty-four hours:

Ma Johnson's Olde Fashioned Cold Remedy

1. If your throat is sore, make yourself a green tea. Drink most of it, and use the rest to gargle with.
2. Take a few echinacea supplements before bed.
3. Go to bed early.
4. When you wake up, use a saline nasal rinse to clear out your sinuses.
5. Have another green tea: drink most of it, and gargle the rest.
6. Bike to work!

Et voila! You're cured! And if you're not cured, repeat this remedy and your fledgling cold is sure to clear up sooner than later. You've got Ma Johnson's Guarantee(tm) on it!

Week Sixteen - Day Two: Cooooold Again

I was hoping I might be able to bike today. I got my biking gear out, packed my panniers, and laid out my biking clothes last night before bed in preparation. I knew it was still supposed to be cold, though, so when I woke up this morning the first thing I did was turn the computer on to check the weather as I sleepily brushed my teeth.

At that time, it was clear and -26C with wind of 15km/hr from the south, which means it would be hitting me from the side. Factoring in the wind chill, it was -36C. Hmm . . . I was planning to bike, but then again, the wind chill pushed the temperature beyond my cut-off point of -30C. Tomorrow is supposed to be outright mild, even reaching a high of +2C on Thursday! Can't I just wait one more day, and bike the rest of the week? Wouldn't that be more comfortable?

I feel somehow like I'm disappointing myself, letting myself down, but I've decided I'm going to drive again. I've actually had dreams of the spokes on my wheels collapsing in the cold, throwing me from the bike and leaving me stranded in the middle of a frigid ride. I don't believe this bike was built for the kind of riding I've been doing with it. Sure, the whole reason I bought a less expensive bike was so that if I ended up killing it over the winter, I wouldn't be out so much money. Still, the colder it gets, the more brittle the thin, metal spokes get, and I worry about breaking the bike.

So, driving today, biking tomorrow. And it'll remain mild all next week, too, so I can bike right up until my last day of work on the 24th. Three days of bike commuting this week ain't so bad, right? Right??

Week Sixteen - Day One: Cooooold

Over the weekend, a wind chill warning was in effect as the temperature dipped to -41C, and my city had the dubious honour of being the coldest spot on earth overnight. The Canadian prairies have remained in a deep freeze all weekend, and the cold temperatures continued today. As I was out and about yesterday, trying to get some Christmas shopping done, it occurred to me that perhaps my temperature cut-off for biking should be -30C. Last week I managed to bike in -20C weather, but this -30C is a whole different ball game. It was just too damn much. When exposed skin will freeze in less than five minutes, I figure it's just not the right kind of day to ride my bike for 40 minute commutes.

So this morning, when I checked the weather to discover it was -32C outside, I drove. And once again, I battled terrible congestion and a very busy parkade and arrived frustrated, late, and very cold. I saw some cyclists on campus, and while it initially made me feel guilty for not biking when clearly other people could do it, I took comfort in thinking that perhaps they weren't coming from the west end and that perhaps their rides weren't 40 minutes long. A cold 10-minute ride would be a whole different story than a cold 40-minute ride.

But I digress . . . tomorrow is supposed to be -29C in the morning, which means that unless the wind chill contributes significantly to that temperature, I'll probably brave it on the bike. I'll keep you posted!!

Week Fifteen - Day Five: Driving . . . Again

I drove to work today. Not because it's too cold out (though it is damn cold today), and not because fresh snow has fallen (which it did, overnight), but because today is the day my itty bitty kitty is getting neutered. Lucky dude! Why might this effect my mode of transportation, you ask? Because I had to drop my daughter off at her west-end daycare at 7:30 am (it doesn't open any earlier), get my kitty to the downtown Spay Clinic by 8:00 am for drop-off and registration, then haul ass to the south-side university to start work at 8:30 am.

I was on campus by 8:30 am, to be sure, but freakin' parking . . . I had to wait in a 20-minute lineup of cars - on a Friday - during exam period - when campus should be virtually empty - to pay the exorbitant parking fees to get into the parkade. Then I had to drive my way all the way up to the top level to find a spot, which meant having to run down four frozen flights of stairs and then hustle over to my building and sneak in just a couple minutes before I was scheduled to see a client at 9:00 am. I was frazzled, hungry (because of course I hadn't eaten yet, usually using my half-hour administrative time first-thing in the morning for that while I check my e-mails), and pissed off by the time I got into work.

At the end of the day, I have to pick up my daughter from the west end sometime before 5:00 pm and then make my way - through rush-hour traffic - back downtown to pick up the cat between 5-6:00 pm, then go back to our home in the west-end. BAH! What an annoying, frustrating, run-around kind of day!

As much as time constraints and my cargo (i.e., a small fuzzy kitty) required me to drive today, I think I would have been a much happier camper if I could have just ridden my bike. I doubt I would have been such an angry, bitter counsellor for the first hour of the day if I'd biked!

Week Fifteen - Day Four: Sidewalk Surfin'

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 39 min.
TIME BACK: 40 min.
WEATHER: overcast with light flurries, -15C, 9km/hr wind there; partly cloudy, -13C, 6km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: fleece pants, thermal underwear, wool ski socks, turtleneck, fleece mid-layer, waterproof shell, lobster gloves, balaclava, ski goggles (waterproof shell in panniers on the way home)
NOTES:
Yesterday, after reading my blog as she does every day, my mom e-mailed me saying something along the lines of "Okay, you proved you can bike in the cold - now STOP, for the love of God, STOP! Your daughter will become an orphan unless you STOP BIKING RIGHT NOW!!!" As much as she worries (read: panics) more about my safety than I do when it comes to bike-commuting, I can definitely agree that a lot of yesterday's ride just didn't feel safe. I stuck to sidewalks more than usual yesterday, which turned out to be a good thing because the parts of the trip where I am required by law to pass from the road onto the sidewalk (i.e., while going over narrow bridges), I would have been unable to do this if I had actually been on the road since massive snowbanks blocked the road-to-sidewalk path.

Last night I assured my mom that while I would not stop bike-commuting, I would dedicate my ride today to sticking as best I could to the sidewalks. To ease her worry - and, I'm not going to lie, to feel a bit more secure myself! - I planned to throw all regard for the city bylaws to the wind and ride on the sidewalks. Screw you, city! Pile up snowbanks in MY bicycle paths, will you? Feel my wrath!!

Most of the sidewalks were actually quite clear, and it was a great relief to me to know that even if I did fall at any point during the ride, the likelihood of getting hit by a car was decreased substantially. I stuck mostly to the sidewalks along major routes, rather than sticking with my regular route through residential neighbourhoods, because I figured the major route sidewalks would be more consistently cleared than those in the residential areas. This was largely the case, except for a few really bad blocks. One of them was a patch of sidewalk in front of a storefront and small parking lot that was rutted with large, deep, tractor-wheel tracks that had frozen solid. This part was extremely treacherous, and as I tried to negotiate my bike over this horrid terrain I skidded and got stuck and nearly fell a couple times in quick succession. Another part was along a busy road where it seemed nobody thought to actually clear the sidewalks in front of their homes, so whatever path existed (where it existed at all) was a narrow path trampled down by brave pedestrians. For both those parts, I just got off my bike and jogged with it until the next block where the path was actually cleared of snow. Pedestrians wouldn't have a problem on terrain like that, but my poor road bike was seriously suffering.

Of course, the sidewalks are not without their perils. I had to negotiate around pedestrians on narrow, slippery paths through snowbank-edged alleys, and any time the sidewalk intersected with a road (i.e., every block), I had to ride perpendicularly over frozen moguls of car tracks made through hard-packed snow and ice. Every time - and seriously, I mean every time, which means every single freakin' block, I shook my head to myself as I guided my bike as best I could over these concrete-hard, uneven, slippery, speed-bump-esque features.

The good news about all this is that guiding Mike over such uneven, slippery terrain has been a fabulous workout for my core. There are muscles in my abdomen I didn't know I had until they started hurting from all the bike-balancing I've been doing in the past couple days. Also, all this rough going has made me very curious to try mountain biking. I've always thought of people going down mountains on wheels so they can go faster as completely insane, but now I can see the appeal. The physical challenge, the mental problem-solving, the incredible skill that must be involved - all very cool! Perhaps I'll look into trying it come spring/summer . . .

Then again, maybe I should have kept that to myself - I believe my mom just had a heart attack reading that last line!!

Week Fifteen - Day Three: Victory!

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 40 min.
TIME BACK: 40 min.
WEATHER: overcast, -20C, 4km/hr wind there; a few clouds, -15C (-22C with windchill), 11km/hr wind back
WHAT I WORE: Baffin "Chloe" boots, thick wool ski socks, thermal underwear, MEC Watchtower fleece pants, turtleneck, fleece mid-layer, waterproof shell, balaclava, ski goggles, lobster gloves
NOTES:
Fuck yeah, I biked to school today! In frigid temperatures! On snowy, icy roads! And you know what? I'm damn proud of myself. Sure, it took 40 freakin' minutes to get there, and I was dressed like a yeti, and I faced some challenges (see below), but I made it, I survived, and I felt really good about it.

So, the challenges - those included:

1. Lack of sleep: This is hardly a new one, being a single parent to a not-quite-toddler who's perpetually either going through a growth spurt, teething, or both. Still, I was already tired yesterday but still didn't get to bed til sometime after 10:00 pm because of my annoying 9:00 pm second-wind. Then my daughter was up at 2:00 am, and after taking care of her (changed a diaper, got her some milk, gave her some Tylenol for the teething pain), I had difficulty falling asleep. Then she was up again sometime around 6:00 am, and the alarm went off at 6:45 am. If it weren't for the ride in the cold, fresh air, I would feel a whole lot less awake right now!
2. Snowbanks: Thank you, City of Edmonton, for treating bicycle lanes as convenient space to pile up the massive snow banks that accumulate when you clear the roads. At one point I ended up having to stop, get off my bike, and actually carry it over a ~4ft. high snow bank that completely blocked access to the bike lane. Then I had to bike on the road in one of the tire ruts because the icy, snowbanky bike path was too treacherous for me to feel confident riding on. Thanks, city!
   
3. Falling: Yes, I did fall - ONCE - and it really wasn't a big one by any stretch. What happened was that I was biking on the road, in one of the tire ruts, through a side street in the neighbourhood of Oliver, when I heard a car come up behind me and slow to a crawl because I was taking up his lane. Feeling bad about this, I tried drifting out of my rut and over to the more snowy, icy side of the road so he could pass me. Unfortunately, trying to drift my way out of an icy rut did not meet with success, as the sides of my tires were unable to bite into the "wall" of the rut and therefore I tipped over onto the icy, snowy part of the road that I was intending to move into. I was going about 5km/hr at that point, and the car behind me had plenty enough space and was also going slow enough that stopping for me was not a problem at all. Still, this fall was a bit embarrassing, added time to my ride, and left what feels like a lovely little bruise developing on my right hip. Nothing serious, though, and I've learned my lesson well: later on in the ride, when another car came up behind me as I rode in a tire rut, I said under my breath: "fuck it", and stayed exactly where I was. If the car wanted to pass me, he could go around me, I wasn't going to try pulling over again!
4. Breathing: Such a simple thing, really, and yet condensation can be quite a bitch and interfere with some pretty basic and important functions such as seeing and breathing. With my helmet on, my ski goggles pressed down against the bridge of my nose and made it nearly impossible to breathe through my nose at all. That's fine, I usually pant and wheeze my way to work anyway, so mouth-breathing it is! The problem is that the condensation from my mouth-breathing would gather on my balaclava and freeze, which then made it much harder to breathe through. As more ice built up on the balaclava, it got harder and harder to breathe through, and by the time I got up the hill at the end of the bridge and carried my bike up that flight of stairs onto campus, I felt like I was suffocating. I pulled my balaclava up and gave myself a minute to breathe freely, unhindered by the frozen fabric that fit snugly over my mouth. Around the same time, my ski goggles had become virtually impossible to see through because of condensation building up on the inside and making them foggy. I rode on for another block or two being able to see with only one eye, but this felt too dangerous so I finished off the last couple blocks of my ride with the goggles around my neck and ice quickly accumulating on my eyelashes. I'm not sure what other cyclists do about the condensation issue, but it's definitely a problem for me! Perhaps if I run into another winter cyclist soon, I'll try to ask them about it.

I've learned that just because there might be other cyclists out, even in this weather and on these roads, it doesn't make my efforts any less triumphant when I face down this unknown beast of winter biking and win. I might be going slowly, but I'm doing it. I might feel pretty sketchy trying to navigate the mini-moguls of icy ruts that make the roads so difficult to bike on, but I'm surviving it. And I might be terrified that my poor lightweight road bike is going to break going over this frozen, jarring terrain that is much better suited to a shock-absorbing mountain bike, but so far Mike is holding up. And all this means that I can keep on keepin' on.

I just wish it didn't take so long! The bike ride itself has gone from 25 min. in the summer to 40 min. now, and add to that the 10 min. or so it takes to get changed into my winter weather riding clothes, it makes the commuting longer than I wish it was. Alas! It still beats paying $12 for parking every day.

Week Fifteen - Day Two

I'm feeling a lot better today, thanks for asking!

I went to bed at 8:30 pm last night and slept right through til 6:30 am. I felt great when I first woke up, though by late morning I was fading again. Perhaps it'll be another early-to-bed night.

I drove again today. I figured I wouldn't bike again until I could eat properly again, so I would give myself a rest from biking today to see if my stomach felt well enough to handle normal food again. I've been eating just fine today, though I'm still feeling pretty tired. Perhaps I'll venture out onto the snowy streets with Mike tomorrow. I won't promise anything, because even the short walks from my house to the car and from the parking garage to my building on campus have been surprisingly chilly. How can I possibly bike outdoors for half an hour if I feel like my nose is about to fall off when I'm outside for 30 seconds??

Even if I wimp out for the rest of the week, next week is supposed to be warmer, so I can take comfort in knowing that I can bike again then. I've been thinking about setting a limit for the temperature - like, say, making it a rule that if it's going to be colder than -20C that day, I'm not going to bike. It would make sense for me to come up with something like that, but I feel it would be premature to do that at this point without having biked in really cold weather. How will I know that -20C is my limit if I don't try it? What if it's really more like -25C, or -15C? I need to get out there and give it a shot, test my boundaries a bit before I know exactly where they lie.

That's my argument for trying to bike tomorrow. I'll see if I can actually get myself to do it, though. It is freakin' cold out there! And whatever rare cyclists I do see all look like they're sporting 26" (mountain bike sized) tires with huge knobby treads AND big studs in them. None of those dinky 700cc (road bike sized) tires like mine. I'm honestly afraid the cold might weaken the spokes and then the roughness of going over the frozen, rutty snow will snap them. I'm afraid my tires just won't grip the snow or ice the same way in temperatures this cold. I'm afraid I will get frost bite or at least wind or cold burn on my inner thighs, toes, fingers, and face. But of course, how will I know any of this if I don't try?

Perhaps I can use my natural curiosity to my advantage here: be a scientist, Johnson! So many questions, and there is only one way to find the answers - EXPERIMENT! Give it a try! And maybe, just maybe, my desire to seek out new knowledge will trump my survival instinct and it'll get me out biking to work in the freezing cold. Maybe . . . just maybe. I guess we'll have to see tomorrow!

Week Fifteen - Day One

All day yesterday, a debate raged within the confines of my brain: should I bike tomorrow, or should I not? Has the snow been cleared enough that it's not too much of a danger? And if I do go, which bike do I use? Eastwood is better on snow, Mike is better on ice, and the roads out there are currently sporting a bunch of snow over a thick layer of ice. Hmm.

I went to bed last night determined to ride to work, and also determined to take Eastwood so I can plow over and through the piles of snow without fear of getting stuck. It's settled, I'm doing it!

And then I had a terrible night. My daughter was up several times, just about every hour, and from about 9:00 pm last night I've been feeling some pretty un-fun stomach pains. Through the night and into today, I've been hit by waves of nausea and I feel as though something is burrowing a hole from my stomach through my intestines. I know, it sounds cool, but it actually isn't very pleasant.

I woke up this morning exhausted and still feeling unwell. There is no way I'm biking today! Hell, I don't even want to go in to work - I just want to curl up in a blankie and sleep all day. But I'm so short of hours after staying home with my daughter when she had the flu that it's just not an option to stay home. So I drove to work, having to rock myself out of large piles of snow TWICE. Driving in this weather really isn't much more pleasant than biking might be!

I haven't eaten anything all day, and now that it's lunch I'm trying a cup of chicken noodle soup to see if I can stomach it. It actually feels very good. Perhaps when I get home, I'll make some soup for dinner (I think all I've got is onion soup mix, but it's better for a sore tummy than leftover sausauge - *puke*). I've had two clients this morning plus an intake client, and I've been steadily fading all morning. I have no idea how I'm supposed to get through another three hours of clients this afternoon. During the last session of the morning, I actually had to pause for a moment and make a snap decision whether I should vomit in the waste basket or see if I can make it to the bathroom in time just in case that particular wave of nausea got to that point.

I can hardly keep my eyes open. My stomach hurts. I don't want to see any more clients or write case notes or take care of my daughter when I get home tonight. I just want to curl up in a fetal position and sleep, waiting for whatever's got a grip on me to let go. But alas, responsibilities - those crazy bastards - they just won't let me be, even when I'm sick and I wish everything could be put on hold just for a few hours until I feel better.

But I guess I just have to keep on keepin' on.

Week Fourteen - Day Five

When I checked the weather report this morning, this splashed across my screen under a big red warning banner:

WINTER STORM WARNING: City of Edmonton - St. Albert - Sherwood Park Issued at 4:26 AM MST FRIDAY 4 DECEMBER 2009

AN ARCTIC COLD FRONT WILL SWEEP SOUTHEASTWARD ACROSS NORTHERN ALBERTA THIS MORNING BRINGING SNOW BLOWING SNOW AND STRONG WINDS. THIS IS A WARNING THAT DANGEROUS WINTER WEATHER CONDITIONS ARE IMMINENT OR OCCURRING IN THESE REGIONS. MONITOR WEATHER CONDITIONS...LISTEN FOR UPDATED STATEMENTS.

AN ARCTIC COLD FRONT WILL SWEEP RAPIDLY SOUTHEASTWARD ACROSS NORTH CENTRAL ALBERTA TODAY. THIS FRONT WILL BE ACCOMPANIED BY SNOW, STRONG WINDS AND BLOWING SNOW. SNOWFALL ACCUMULATIONS OF 10 TO 20 CENTIMETRES CAN BE EXPECTED IN MANY REGIONS BY FRIDAY EVENING. THE FRONT WILL ALSO BE ACCOMPANIED BY STRONG NORTH TO NORTHWEST WINDS RESULTING IN WIDESPREAD BLOWING SNOW AND NEAR ZERO VISIBILITIES. THESE REDUCED VISIBILITIES WILL BE MOST PRONOUNCED IN EXPOSED AND RURAL AREAS. THE WINDS WILL SLOWLY BEGIN TO EASE EARLY SATURDAY MORNING. IN THE WAKE OF THIS COLD FRONT MUCH COOLER AIR WILL SETTLE OVER THE PROVINCE ON SATURDAY. THIS WINTER STORM CAN PRODUCE POOR TRAVELLING CONDITIONS. PERSONS IN OR NEAR THESE AREAS SHOULD BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR ADVERSE WEATHER CONDITIONS AND LISTEN FOR UPDATED WARNINGS.

By the time I left the house to drop my daughter off at daycare, at least a couple of cm's of snow had already accumulated and much more was falling. It was honestly quite beautiful - fluffy white snow falling peacefully to the earth through the dark early morning sky. But I knew traffic would be insane, there would be a whole lot of accidents today, and once the wind kicked in and visibility dropped to zero, all hell would break loose.

So I let my bike (and my poor thighs) rest today, and I drove. Unlike other times I've driven in, it felt soooo goooood to do it today. I arrived at work feeling fresh and happy, smiling, holding a fresh latte in hand. And whatever cyclists I saw today, unlike the other times I've driven in and felt jealous of the cyclists I passed, today I felt nothing but gratitude that I wasn't them!

I only saw one cyclist this morning, and it was on campus. The automatic thought that popped into my head as I saw him plow through the snow ahead of me was, "That poor guy . . . err, that poor, crazy guy!" As an aside, I can tell how bad the weather is based on how long it takes into my ride for me to spot a cyclist: in the summer, I see them earlier on in the ride because they're starting from as far west as, or farther than, me, and as the bad weather progresses I only see them starting downtown (about 2/3 into my ride), or only on the High Level Bridge (about 3/4 into the ride), and today it was only on campus! Since the wintry weather hit last week, I have only rarely seen cyclists in the downtown-ish area - it has almost exclusively been on the Bridge and on campus. For some reason, this makes me feel good - as though I'm the only one willing to brave the wintry weather for a ride all the way from the west end! Perhaps that's not the case at all, but I'll take whatever victories (real or imagined!) I can get.

Week Fourteen - Day Four

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 35 min.
TIME BACK: 33 min.
WEATHER: clear, -14C (-21C with windchill), 13km/hr wind there; clear, -10C (-19C with windchill), 24km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: double pants, turtleneck, fleece mid-layer, waterproof shell, scarf, lobster gloves, ski goggles (goggles and waterproof shell in panniers on the way home)
NOTES:

(I wrote this first part right after my morning ride)

Fuck! This. Is. NOT. Fun.

My toes froze on the way to work this morning. I can barely move my legs when I'm biking. I feel like I can't breathe because it seems no matter how hard I'm panting I can't take in enough air. I move so slowly. Every fucking block I ride is an effort. I had to downshift to 9th fucking gear just to get up that tiny hill by the High Level Bridge, and even as I crawled up that hill I felt like I was dying from the effort. I'm chilled to the bone from the ride and I don't really warm up again during the day, especially because I keep having to drink so much (water-cooler-chilled) water all day. My thighs are freezer-burnt (seriously, even hours after my last ride they were bright red and stung in the shower last night). I'm not even sleeping that well at night! Between my daughter and whatever the hell is wrong with me, I keep waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble falling back asleep. And my freakin' finger still hurts from the fall last week! Stupid sprain. Fuck! And I keep forgetting to bring in milk for my coffee at work so I've been using this hideous Coffee Mate powdered shit. Come on, LIFE! You SUCK!

Sadly, THIS is what brings me consolation. I have it in my head all the time, it makes me smile, and it's awesome. But, really? I need a rapping banana to cheer me up? Is this what my life has come to?

(The following was written after arriving home for the day and having a big, hot, yummy dinner)

Ahhh, feeling much better now. I had a decent ride home - it wasn't too bad, really, even got to get my speed up in a couple places! I outpaced a truck for about a block, and in an effort to catch a green light before it turned yellow I managed to bike faster than I thought it was possible for me in this temperature. Some parts of the ride were still painfully slow, but it didn't feel like such a chore on the way home today. Maybe it's that it was the end of the day and I was already awake and warmed up, whereas in the morning my body was still half-asleep and working at that slightly-below-normal body temperature we crazy humans tend to drop to overnight. Maybe it's the relief of knowing I was going home, whereas in the morning I was biking to work and maybe the motivation just wasn't as high (even though I love my job). Who knows?

I did try a couple things to lessen the general shittiness of winter riding. First of all, I started gear-shifting like a mo-fo. I usually cruise around in one gear and only downshift one gear if I'm going uphill. Today, though, I was shifting gears when going over snow, when faced with tiny inclines like the gradual almost imperceptible slope of a mostly flat road, and generally any time my thighs started to protest against their vigorous effort. I even downshifted three gears to climb the hills on either side of the High Level Bridge today, crawling along at about the same speed as a pedestrian might take those hills. But what can I do? My thighs are tired - sore, achey, overworked - and I need to take care of these bad-boys so I can continue biking without injury (and without absolutely hating it). Also, I abandoned the waterproof shell because I think I've been over-dressed, at least in the torso region. That seemed to help, actually - I felt a whole lot less restricted in my movement and also less sweaty by the time I got home.

Another thing I need to consider is whether I'm eating enough. I've heard that winter biking is a whole different game: between the additional effort of biking in wintry weather and the body's effort to maintain its heat during long exposures to the cold, a winter cyclist burns a whole lot more calories than a belle-weather cyclist. Since I started calorie-counting last week, I've been eating in the range of 1,500 calories a day (at least on biking days; I tend to eat a bit more on the weekends). Since my regular belle-weather commute would burn over 700 calories a day for me, and given that I'm likely burning a fair bit more than that now that it's cold and snowy, I'm thinking the 1,500 calories a day thing is probably not going to work for me long-term. In fact, it's probably contributing to my lack of sleep, my inability to bike faster, and the perpetual worn-out feeling in my thighs.

So, more food for me! Tragic, I know . . .

Week Fourteen - Day Three

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 33 min.
TIME BACK: 32 or 36 min. (can't remember exactly when I left!)
WEATHER: clear, -13C, 6km/hr wind there; clear, -8C (-13C with windchill), 11km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: double pants, turtleneck, fleece mid-layer, waterproof shell, scarf, lobster gloves
NOTES:
Try this little experiment: put your hand in the freezer for a minute - or, if you're living on the Canadian prairies, step outside without gloves. When you can't really feel your hand anymore, try making the tightest fist you can. Note how slowly your hand moves, how inflexible it feels, and how no matter the strength of your will, it just will not make a tight fist.

Whatever principles are behind the frozen-hand experiment that make the muscles work slower and prevent you from making a really tight fist are also behind the reason I felt like I was travelling through water on the way to work this morning. The ice wasn't too bad, there wasn't much snow to slow me down, but the whole time I still felt sloooow. I took 33 minutes and up to 36 minutes for my 8km commutes today no other reason than because I couldn't go faster. I'm not sure if other cyclists are going through the same thing, because I was passed by one oncoming cyclist in the downtown area this morning who whipped by me at some remarkable speed with legs pumping as though impervious to the cold. I was flabbergasted by his ability to bike so fast when I felt like I could hardly move.

What was especially brutal was the tiny hill coming off the High Level Bridge. It's small, and it's not steep, but even then I dropped down to 12th gear and had to get out of my seat and climb that hill standing to reach the top. I felt like I was dying by the time I actually got to the stairs, and then I had to lug my frozen bike up 32 steps (yes, I have counted, and no, I don't have OCD). I was panting so hard I could feel the saliva on my tongue freezing, which - by the way - is not a feeling I would recommend (in fact, it's kind of creepy).

I know the temperature is supposed to dip over the next couple weeks. I know it's going to get positively frigid, with high's in the -20C range (and I don't bike during the time of day that it's at the highest temperature). I know at that temperature tires lose their ability to grip the road and find traction, and it's imperative for me to wear something over my mouth so the cold air doesn't rush into my lungs and leave internal injuries, even burns. And I know that at that temperature, I will be sluggishly crawling along the road, my muscles barely working, and I'll ask myself (as I'm doing more and more these days), "Is this really worth it?"

Week Fourteen - Day Two

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 29 min.
TIME BACK: 33 min.
WEATHER: partly cloudy, -5C (-12C with windchill), 20km/hr wind there; cloudy, -3C (-9C with windchill), 20km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: thermal pants under yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, lobster gloves, scarf
NOTES:

Thoughts Running Through My Head During the Commute Today

• (upon sliding a bit on a completely uncleared and remarkably icy swath of road that happened to be the designated bike path) "Fuckity!"
• (on same icy swath of road) "Nice cycling infrastructure, city. You could be more supportive!"
• (upon seeing an oncoming cyclist bend his way around an icy corner wearing nothing but a toque on his head) "No helmet, Jesus!"
• "Buuhhhhh, this is too hard."
• "Thighs . . . hurting . . ."
• "HEY! I'm gonna catch up to you, sucka!"
• (moments later) "How the hell did you get so far ahead of me? What the hell!"
• "Lost cause . . . she's got two blocks on me now. How is she going so fast? Freak."
• "Sooo tiiiiiired . . . and this is even the easy ride. I'm going to be facing the wind on the way home! Buhhhhh."
• (on the way home) "Wind! Bah!"
• "I got to keep it goin', keep it goin' full steam" (quoting a line from the Beastie Boys song Intergalactic Planetary that I routinely repeat to myself while biking)
• "Has it really only been a week that I've been biking in snow? A week?? I have months left of this. How bad do you really want it, Johnson?"
• "Oh thank God, the last neighbourhood! Almost HOME!"
• (pulling up to the house) "Yay, made it home without falling again! Just wish it wasn't so damn hard. Mmm, dinner . . ."
  

MONTHLY CHECK-IN

WEIGHT LOSS THIS MONTH: 7 lbs.
WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: 23.5 lbs.

So close! I wanted so badly to get to 8 lbs lost this month, despite knowing that almost two weeks of the month was spent eating poorly and not commuting, given my daughter's illnesses and my inability to control myself when I'm bored. I ended up cheating this month, weighing myself at a mid-way point in the month after my daughter was well again, sometime close to the third week of November, and at that point I had lost one whopping pound. One freakin' pound! I thought the whole month would be a complete write-off. So I vowed to spend the last slightly-more-than-a-week that was left in the month working hard and trying to make up for lost time. And I did work hard - I was calorie-counting most days (couldn't quite maintain that on the weekend, unfortunately), and biking harder than ever with the snow and ice on the road. I'm actually quite proud of myself that I managed to get my weight loss up to 7 lbs from 1 lb in so little time! Still, hoping to average out to 8 lbs of weight loss a month, I take this month's weight loss as the slightest of disappointments.

Now that it's December, I'm facing a much-shortened month of bike-commuting that's full of Christmas parties, baked goods being brought to work, and various social engagements that lend themselves to over-eating. My goal is to work hard for the next three weeks or so - continue calorie-counting, continue commuting as much as I can - and then weigh myself on the 24th. That way, I won't have to do my monthly weigh-in right in the middle of the holidays! I figure that'll be fair. I'll try to lose weight in the first three weeks of the month so I can relax a bit and enjoy my holidays at the end. Then I'll have the whole month of January to work off whatever I put back on during my week of holidays! Works for me!

Week Fourteen - Day One

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 29 min.
TIME BACK: 35 min.
WEATHER: partly cloudy, 1C (-3C with windchill), 13km/hr wind there; cloudy, -1C (-7C with windchill), 24km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves (missing one on the way home!), scarf
NOTES:
It snowed this afternoon. As I was leaving work, a co-worker warned me, "It's awfully slippery out there. Be careful!" Shit. I pulled on my double-gloves and noticed that one of my running gloves, which usually has a powder-blue cotton glove tucked inside, was all naked in there. Somewhere along the way between locking up my bike this morning and getting into my office, I lost one of the "double" parts of my double gloves. Alas! My left hand would have to be a little bit chillier than the right on the way home from work today.

The terrain on the way home was a combination of slush, fresh snow, and ice, which made for some pretty cautious riding (hence taking 35 freakin' minutes to get home!). On the way to work this morning, the roads had been largely cleared between the rain and the mild weather last week, leaving only half-block patches of ice cover to contend with on some of the side roads and nothing to slow me down on the main roads. On the way to school, I rode slowly and cautiously over ice, and even on clear turns I tended to slow down just in case there was any ice I couldn't see. So when I hit a run of clear pavement, I pushed myself to pedal hard, telling myself repeatedly, "make it there under 30!!" By making up speed on the dry pavement that I lost on the ice, I managed to get to work in 29 minutes - wahoo, yay me! But the ride home, with the added new snow, was slow, cautious, and loooong.

The crazy thing is that as I was riding home, slowing down dramatically to cautiously wince my way around a curve in a residential road in the neighbourhood of Oliver (just north of the river valley and the High Level Bridge), I looked up just in time to see an oncoming cyclist whip through the turn and speed past me. Really, Mr. Tight Pants, was that necessary? As much as my first inclination is to mutter "jackass" under my breath whenever I see better cyclists than me, this time I was just truly confounded. How the hell did he make that turn so fast without wiping out? The turn wasn't really icy, per se, but there was definitely some snow cover that may have melted and may have turned into ice in that general area. Is it that he had a speedy combination of studded tires and confidence, so he didn't feel the need (like some people do) to practically stop his bike and walk it around the curve in case there might be ice on the road? Seeing this guy got me thinking: maybe I don't have to be that cavalier, but perhaps I could stand to be a little more confident on the bike, especially when riding with studded tires.

I think what I could really benefit from is to try goofing around with Mike and the Studs sometime. I should just find a calm, car-free piece of road or sidewalk and practice making hard stops, speeding up and dramatically slowing down, making sharp turns, etc. If I do that, I'll be able to determine the limits of the studded tires: what I can get away with and what I can't, at what point I fall over, etc. That would be remarkably helpful to know. I'll then be better prepared to make the combination of the fastest safest ride I can have, and that's exactly what I need as a daily commuter.

Week Thirteen - Day Five

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 35 min.
TIME BACK: 33 min.
WEATHER: clear, -2C, 7km/hr wind there; clear, 0C (-4C with windchill), 15km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: warm-up pants (a soft moisture-wicking layer against my skin with a soft water resistant shell exterior), t-shirt, sweatshirt, waterproof shell, MEC lobster gloves, scarf
NOTES:
After unintentionally using the icy side roads as my personal ice rink yesterday, I figured if I was going to bike at all today I would be well-advised to leave Eastwood at home. The bad news is that I woke up pretty sore this morning - my left thigh and hip are covered in bruises, my sprained finger is swollen around the knuckle, and just about everything from both of my arms and legs to my neck are sore. The good news is that I have options when it comes to my bikes, so giving Eastwood a rest today didn't have to mean not biking at all.

It turns out that Mike with his thinner, studded tires does pretty well on ice, but fluffy and/or wet snow quickly compacts into the less-than-substantial treads and makes plowing through the snow, even the small amount of it we got last weekend, feel like I'm going to lose control of the bike. Eastwood, on the other hand, with his wide, deep-treaded tires and heavy frame, handles the snow much better than Mike, but without the studs he can't handle the ice. It would appear, then, that every morning will have to begin with an assessment of the road conditions and what bike is going to get me to work and back as safely as possible.

In many ways, this week I've been feeling like I'm right back to where I was at the beginning again. I remember being hard on myself, especially when comparing myself to other cyclists - feeling slow and lazy and sweaty and fearing I looked ridiculous. I remember working really hard, especially on inclines, but even without inclines the extent of how unfit I was seemed glaring to me. I remember having to figure everything out - which route to take, what to wear, how to use my gears. There was such a big learning curve at the front end!

In many ways it feels as though the snowfall over the weekend has wiped clean the slate of my improvements over the past three months. The average ride time, the average speed, the average effort required, the confidence I managed to build up to - it's all irrelevant now that I'm winter-riding. I really am starting all over again. I'm back to going slow, being hard on myself, feeling unfit, feeling scared and unbalanced as I ride, questioning whether I really want to be doing this at all, figuring out the hard way how the equipment works (it used to be the fenders, now it's the tires!).

What I'm learning in all of this is that I've found myself in the middle of a whole new game, so the old rules don't apply anymore. More importantly, I've learned that I need to accept that I have improved in the last three months, and that those improvements don't go away even though the game has changed. Yes, it's really hard again, and yes I'm going to have to work back up to being able to maintain an appropriate speed or take a turn without falling, but that's all to be expected. There's nothing wrong with me, it's just that everything's different now. Once I wrap my brain around that, I can put away my critical voice and just focus on the victories - like today, when I didn't even slide around at all even though the roads were icy! That's a marked improvement from yesterday!

Celebrate the victories, and forget about the past. Everything is new again. And really, is that such a bad thing?

Week Thirteen - Day Four

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 27 min. (woo hoo!!)
TIME BACK: 31 min.
WEATHER: clear, -1C, 4km/hr wind there; light rain, 3C, 9km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
This morning, the road conditions didn't seem quite as crazy as they did on Monday. The main roads are mostly clear now, and the scary uneven snow and ice on the side streets has mostly been compacted down into ice with only a bit of crunchy snow on top in some places. On Monday, the entire shared-use pathway along the High Level Bridge was a thick sheet of uneven ice, which made the slight hills on each side of the bridge quite treacherous. Even the flat middle part of the bridge was brutal, given the need to negotiate around other cyclists and pedestrians on such slippery terrain. Now, though, it would seem that the bridge has been largely cleared of that ice build-up and sand has been put down for added traction, making the ride down the hills feel a little less like meeting certain death.

I've found that cycling this week has been so much harder than before. I expected the arrival of snow would slow me down and make everything harder, but perhaps I didn't realize how much of a difference it would make. Or, at least, that the snow alone would make such a difference - I expected it would be a combination of snow, freezing temperatures, and high winds that would make winter commuting so hard. It turns out all I needed was the snow to feel discouraged! Now when that wintry trifecta does come into effect, as I'm sure it will sooner than later, how the hell am I going to handle that? I'm already asking myself if all this is worth it, and I'm only facing snow and ice right now.

But, boy howdy, on the way home everything got a whole lot worse. When I stepped outside I discovered it was raining. "Yay!" I thought, "All this rain is going to wash away a lot of the snow!!" I hopped on Eastwood and began cycling home, grateful for the mild weather that allowed it to rain this late in November. The traction seemed pretty good everywhere - it's true, it seemed the rain was washing away a lot of the ice and snow, and I began feeling optimistic about my biking adventures. I was making good time, I felt in control, and even despite getting increasingly water-logged I was having a really fun ride!

Until I got to Glenora. This is the expensive neighbourhood I bike through that boasts gorgeous old estate homes and wide, curvy, low-traffic roads that have made for a dreamy scenic route for me these past few months. I was sailing through this neighbourhood as I had been throughout my whole ride, but this time as I began curving slightly to the left along with the road, the tires slid out from under me, and anyone within earshot could hear the profound words "Shitty nutballs!" escaping my mouth. Eastwood and I fell to the ground, and the two of us slid to a stop a few metres from where we fell.

I was stunned. I looked around at the road to see what obvious patch of ice I managed not to see before hitting it, and found nothing but the shiny black ashphalt that was to be found everywhere else in this rainy weather. There was no obvious ice build-up anywhere, and even as I righted myself my feet slid around underneath me on ice that was so thin and transparent it could not be distinguished from the pavement. I suppose this is what they call "black ice". I should be very familiar with this as a prairie girl, but it felt as though I was seeing it for the first time.

I gingerly swung my leg back over Eastwood and slowly began pedalling again, trying carefully to maintain my balance on this misleading black ice. Even as careful as I was, it didn't take long before the road curved again and the tires gave out underneath me. I fell again, this time dislodging the plastic cover that is supposed to protect the front chainring and twisting the left hand-brake out of whack. I twisted the brake back into line, put the broken plastic ring on my handlebars, and tried to figure out how the hell to get home.

I knew I couldn't stay on that road. I already feared one finger might be broken (the middle finger on my right hand - the perfect flipping-the-bird finger, which one clearly cannot afford to lose!). What more damage would I do to myself if I kept falling? At first I tried biking in the extreme edge of the road, in the slushy rain-soaked snow, but I wasn't sure this was much better than riding on the black ice. I got off and walked the bike over to the sidewalk, found it wet but not too slippery, and proceeded to follow the sidewalk up to the nearest major road.

But wait a minute - what if the major road had black ice on it, too? At least on the side street, when I fell there was nothing around for me to fall into, no cars to hit me or run me over. On the major road, though, there were lots of cars - speeding cars. So the likelihood of falling might be lower, but the consequences of any fall were potentially much worse. What to do?

I kept to the sidewalks along the major road for a while, but these were pretty patchy with slushy snow and half-melted ice. Ultimately, I took to the major road. The traction seemed fine, but I was pretty scared the whole time. Also, I kept getting splashed by cars and being forced to ride through big puddles because I had to keep so far to the right. I got home safe and sound, sticking to the main road, but the whole rest of the ride I worried over what I would do about the ride tomorrow. Sure, it's slippery now with the rain - but what about after it's had a chance to freeze overnight? Won't everything be black ice tomorrow morning?

To be safe, I'm taking Mike tomorrow with his studded tires. And I'm riding slow. And sticking to the side streets in case I do fall. The prospect of the ride tomorrow is scaring me already, but as a psychologist and a former horseback rider I know the worst thing to do after a fall is to avoid riding again. I just have to get back up in the saddle and keep going, figuring this bike-commuting thing out one bump, bruise, and scrape at a time.

Oh, and by the way, within a half-hour I was able to bend my finger again, and now it's just the knuckle that's sore to the touch but nothing looks out of place with it. I'm able to make a fist with some discomfort, but I'm sure at worst it's just a sprain. I'm pretty lucky, I think! I've fallen four times since starting my bike-commuting challenge and I've never been hurt. Knock on wood!!

Here is an early picture of my still-developing injuries:

The darker areas are bruises, and the red areas (i.e., lower hip, inner thigh on far leg) are parts that will become bruises in the next 1-2 days. I suffer for my art!!

Week Thirteen - Day Three

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 29 min.
TIME BACK: 28 min.
WEATHER: overcast, -1C (-6C with windchill), 19km/hr wind with 30km/hr gusts there; partly cloudy, 5C, 4km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
Another night of sleep deprivation. I went to bed at 10:30 pm last night in the hopes of getting a solid 8 hrs of sleep, trying desperately to make up for the poor sleep I had the past two nights. Alas, this would not be. Despite my best intentions my daughter had other plans, and she woke up for the day at 4:30 am. A third night of 6 hrs of sleep or less in a row. This doesn't bode well for my cycling . . . or my clients at work, for that matter.

I just wish things were easy. I wish I could wake up one morning and be the size and shape I'm intended to be. I wish I could sleep when I want to, for as long as I want to. I wish I didn't have to worry about money or fear alienating my baby's father by asking him to start paying child support. I wish I could live the life I encourage my clients to live - one that is less stressful, more happy, more healthy, more fun. Less fear. Less worry. A whole lot more time for me.

But that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon, anyway. In the meantime, I just have to find the little things to keep me going so I don't just lay down in the middle of the road and give up. I have to focus on the laughter - how hilarious my daughter looks when she runs, or her ridiculous belly-laugh. I have to focus on the successes, like when one of my clients today decided she doesn't need counselling anymore because she felt like she's doing okay. And I have to practice some compassion - tell myself, and really mean it, that it's ok if I don't lose much weight this month, or that I feel slow on the bike, or that I'm not as fit as I was hoping I'd be by now. It's ok, I know it is.

Sometimes, though, there is a difference between what we know and what we feel. And today, I just feel bad.

Week Thirteen - Day Two

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 30 min.
TIME BACK: 29 min.
WEATHER: clear, 0C (-4 with wind chill), 11km/hr wind there; clear, 2C (-2C with wind chill), 15km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
"What the hell is wrong with you? You're the slowest bike out here. You think it's such a triumph still biking when there's snow on the ground? Look at all these tracks - you're not the only one, you're not special. You're just slow. Everyone else is still biking, too, and they're all doing it faster than you, and better than you. Why are you even out here?"

It would seem self-flagellation comes in many forms, and for no apparent reason. I don't know why I was dogged by my own self-destructive negative thoughts today, but I was. They whispered discouragement in my ear the entire time I was on my bike today. I'm working hard, I really am, and maybe that's the problem - with this snow cover, I'm working harder and going slower, and it may very well be just my perception, but it seems like other bikers aren't going as slow as me. Is it possible that I'm just the laziest of the bunch? Or is there something else going on here?

As far as I can see, nobody else has studded tires, they just have heavy treads. Out of curiosity, I want to try riding Eastwood to work tomorrow to see how the heavy treads of my mountain bike handle the snow and ice. Maybe I'm unnecessarily slowing myself down with those studded tires - maybe it's not icy enough to warrant them yet. Maybe I should take a cue from the other cyclists and see how a heavy tread suits the road conditions.

It just hit me how tired I am. I really, really am. I had six hours of sleep on Sunday night because I received a phone call from my daughter's father about our custody arrangements, and this led to an at-times-emotional 2.5 hr discussion which led, in turn, to me going to bed 3 hrs later than usual. Then, on Monday night, my daughter woke up and wouldn't fall back asleep between 2-4 am, leaving me with less than 6 hrs of sleep again. Combine that sleep deprivation with the fact that I'm biking harder than usual, I'm eating less than usual (in a last-minute effort to lose at least some weight this month!), and now I'm just beat. Maybe that's what bred the self-criticism today, with the exhaustion leading me to feel down which then lead to being harder on myself than necessary. Who knows? Well, I guess I should know, being a psychologist, but to be honest, I just don't have the mental capacity right now to think about it.

I need to kick back with my green tea, watch something mind-numbing for an hour or so, have a long, hot shower, and then go to bed. Here's hoping my daughter - and therefore I - will actually sleep through the night tonight! I could sure use it . . .

Week Thirteen - Day One

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 30 min.
TIME BACK: 31 min.
WEATHER: overcast, -5C, 7km/hr wind there; partly cloudy, -1C, 6km/hr wind back.
NOTES:
On Saturday morning I woke up and looked out my bedroom window to discover a world engulfed in white. A thick, fluffy layer of snow had fallen over everything overnight. I began hearing sleigh bells ringing in my head, I could almost smell the roasting turkey and the wafting smell of fresh gingerbread in the oven. My eyes lit up as I took in the wintry wonderland that had suddenly impressed itself upon my front yard. It was beautiful.

Today, as I biked through the snow and ice - mostly ice - it seemed a whole lot less beautiful. My initial thought of, "YAY! I finally get to try out Mike's studded tires!!" very quickly turned into, "Oh Jesus, is this what the next six months are going to be like??" Sadly, the response to that was: "Nope, today's a good day. No wind, no frigid temperatures, and no black ice. For winter, this ain't bad at all, lightweight!"

I was amazed how much heavier everything felt today. The tires are significantly heavier than the summer slicks, which makes the bike overall heavier, and I also had to contend with the strange traction of heavy treads and metal studs, all while plowing through snow. I had heard once that biking through snow is like perpetually going uphill, that's how much harder you have to work. I didn't quite understand that until today. I dropped down to 13th gear on the flat ground and had to get down to 12th gear for the hills. The trip was slower, harder, and felt more dangerous the whole time. Maybe it's just the memory of my previous falls haunting me, but I felt perpetually ready to fall over. There was more lateral movement than I expected with the studded tires, which made me feel pretty insecure. Basically, there was a lot of white-knuckle gripping of the handlebars.

The good news is that I never did go down, and every time I slammed on the brakes to try to test the traction of the tires I always came to a good, controlled stop. Perhaps I just need to relax, not fear the lateral motion so much, and trust the studs - which are concentrated more on the outer edge of the treads than they are in the middle - to carry me through the icy turns. I also need to take comfort in knowing that I was definitely not the only cyclist out today - I saw several, in fact, both on the way to work and on the way home. If they can do it, why couldn't I?

One thing I'm considering, though, is switching from my current route - mostly through residential streets - to one that utilizes more major roads. The problem is that residential roads aren't plowed in this city, so the snow just gets compacted into rutty, icy cesspools of danger. On major roads, the plows and the heavy traffic clear the roads of most of the snow and ice, making for relatively clear pavement. On the way home I took major routes, and I found that in going that way I traded in the danger of poorer road conditions for the danger of close proximity to speeding cars, breathing in exhaust the whole way, and having a much less scenic ride. Perhaps falling on the icy side streets would be less dangerous than the risk of getting hit by a car on a major road. I really can't tell which is the better option. I think my appreciation for the scenery will keep me sticking with the side roads for now, especially now that Christmas lights are going up on the beautiful old homes in the expensive neighbourhoods I bike through. However, as time goes on and the snow piles up - mush upon fluff upon ice - I might revisit that decision.

In the meantime, I'll stick with my usual route and try to work up my stamina, leg strength, and courage while riding studded Mike to work. Maybe all this will get easier, and I'll be able to bike on the snow with the same confidence I was starting to earn on the dry pavement. Here's hoping . . . until then, I'm just hoping for a mild winter!

Week Twelve - Day Five

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 26 min.
TIME BACK: 26 min.
WEATHER: clear, 1C, 9km/hr wind there; clear, 5C, 9 km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, waterproof shell, running gloves, scarf (scarf in backpack on th way home)
NOTES:
The North Saskatchewan River - that wide, majestic beast that flows beneath the steel bridge over which I ride every day on the way to and from work - has begun to freeze over. The ice chunks are small and float along the surface of the water, taunting me about the wintry weather to come. Before long that whole river will be frozen through. Any day now the temperature will dip below freezing, and stay that way for the next few months. At any time now, the bitter wind will kick in from the northwest and bury the city in snow and ice. We won't emerge again until mid-May.

Until then, I am reveling in this fine weather. This morning, I biked to work as the sun rose before me, under clear blue-grey and ever-brightening skies. On the way home, I was enveloped by the warm pink glow of the setting sun. It was remarkable. What a beautiful experience I get on my bike - the fresh air, the beautiful views, the racing of my blood through my veins. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

On another note, I really am nervous about how little weight I think I've lost this month. So far, I really haven't been making any significant changes to my diet. While the addition of biking into my life has surely made a significant difference in my lifestyle and has allowed me to lose over 16.5 lbs so far, I do realize that if I want to hit my goal of 100 lbs in a year, I will also have to alter my diet.

I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. Should I go vegetarian? Try the South Beach Diet? Maybe something new? Maybe I should just stick with straight-up calorie counting, the only "diet" I've ever tried that seems to have worked for me. That's what I used when I lost 40 lbs in my first year of university. What worked about it was that it was so damn flexible - no food was off-limits, I just had to count it! Every indulgence meant I had fewer calories left over for real food, and that would always leave me feeling unsatisfied, so I was less motivated to eat junk food. I still would eat it, don't get me wrong, just less. And really, isn't that the whole point - everything in moderation?

But I digress. I will think about the diet question over the weekend and make a decision by Monday. I'll also seriously consider putting my food intake back into the blog as well, as I did in the beginning. As much as I still think the reasons I had to stop that practice were valid, it can also serve a meaningful purpose: it's partly to keep me honest with myself about what I'm eating, and partly to let you know what's working for me and what's not. I'll consider it, anyway.

Week Twelve - Day Three (The No Go)

It was the third day in a row that I had trouble falling asleep. I figured it might take some time to get back into my usual routine after spending last week at home with a sick baby, at times making up for lost overnight sleep by napping five hours in an afternoon. But three days in a row of getting up at the same time, going to bed at the same time, exercising and eating well, feeling tired throughout the day, and still not being able to fall asleep? There is no justice in that.

I heard my daughter whimpering an hour before the alarm was set to go off. "Noooo," I grumbled into my pillow. She quieted down, so I pulled the covers back over my face and tried to fall asleep. I couldn't, of course, but at least I enjoyed resting my eyes.

When the alarm went off, I sighed deeply and willed myself out of bed. It was going to be a bit colder today for the commute, but at least there was no frost on the ground. I staggered into the bathroom, began brushing my teeth, and with toothbrush in hand I entered my daughter's room to check on her.

I was immediately hit by a sour smell. She whimpered quietly to herself, and as I approached her crib my eyes widened in shock as I surveyed the nearly complete coverage of vomit all over her crib. She was lying in the midst of it, her messy hair matted with it, her pajamas crusted all over. "Sophia!" I gasped, plucking her from the mess and searching her face for signs of illness. She was pale, looked tired, but as I pressed my lips to her temple I took comfort in discovering she didn't have a fever.

Right. First things first, then: bath. Then start the laundry. Then call the daycare to tell them she's not coming in, call work to say I'm not coming in, and call the Health Link to consult a nurse about whether we should see a doctor. As I scanned my memory for everything she ate in the past 24 hours and whether anything might have contributed to her stomach upset, I hoped it was just a one-time thing, an overnight anomaly and that she would be perfectly fine. Maybe she just ate something yesterday that didn't agree with her. Who knows.

The nurse seemed unconcerned and thought the best thing to do would be to stay away from a medicentre, so that's what we did. We went shopping in the morning to give us something to do, and when we got home I put my daughter down for a 3-hr. nap. During that time, I tried to make up for my missed commute by riding Mike on the trainer for a half-hour, but it's just not the same. No matter how well I eat at home, it's never as little as at work, and I never exercise as much as when I commute. There simply is no substitute.

When my daughter woke up, she arose with flushed cheeks and a fever of 102F. Shit. Could this mean another lengthy illness, so soon after the last one? I can't bear to see my daughter so miserable! It can't be! Besides, what will they think of me at work if I take more time off? What will I do if I'm stuck at home any longer? What will happen to my commuting efforts, my weight loss efforts, my sanity? Oh, please be better by tomorrow, Sophia, please be better!!

Once again, my commuting efforts have been brought to a halt by the pressing demands of parenthood. Here's hoping this halt lasts a day, maybe two at most - and not another friggin week. Otherwise, I may as well write off the whole month of November.

Week Twelve - Day Two

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 25 min.
TIME BACK: 27 min.
WEATHER: clear, 7C, 24km/hr wind there; clear, 9C, 33km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, waterproof shell, scarf, running gloves (gloves and scarf in backpack on the way home)
NOTES:
I am grateful for the fact that I don't engage in a hacking fit every time I come to a stop at an intersection anymore. I am grateful that I don't feel exhausted to my core. I am grateful I don't feel compelled to fall asleep during counselling sessions. In short, it is wonderful to feel healthy again!

It's as though staying home and taking care of my seriously ill child last week was a trial by fire from which I emerged a cleansed spirit. Cleansed, that is, of my annoying lingering cold. That bastard has been dragging me down since the beginning of October! Ever since then I've been dosing up on vitamins, trying to sleep and rest as much as I can, gargling with salt water, and rinsing out my sinuses with a saline solution 2-3 times a day. I even used my daughter's antibiotic eye/ear drops in the hopes of clearing up whatever was causing the misery in my ears and throat. No matter what I tried, the symptoms might disappear briefly, but they always came back. Like the cat that came back, but even more annoying - and probably with fewer fleas. I think what ultimately killed it off was the simplest experiment I could have tried: I got some honey lemon ginseng green tea from the supermarket, and not only did I drink that - I also gargled with it. Literally overnight my persistent sore throat got better, and within a couple of days all of my symptoms were gone. Thanks, honey lemon ginseng green tea, you're the greatest!

I felt good today - healthy, sparkly, good at my job. I even caught myself in the mirror and thought I looked pretty. Of course I still have plenty of weight to lose, and I desperately need to cut and style my hair, but I felt for the first time in ages like I could see the beautiful, youthful, vital person who has been hiding behind these layers of fat for so long. The sparkle in my eye, the natural pink flush on my cheeks, the quick readiness to smile and laugh - it's all there, it always has been, and it's what makes me beautiful.

That's another thing I'm grateful for. I can't always see what others see in me, the things that attract my friends and lovers and make my family love me. But today I think I saw it, and it reminded me that despite my flaws I really am a lovable person. And for that I'm most grateful.

The Confession

Describing an Incident on Sunday, November 15, 2009

Standing in the pharmacy at Shoppers Drug Mart, I scan the shelves for salvation. Has it really come to this?

"Don't do it," a voice within me says quietly, yet firmly.

I know exactly what I'm looking for. The brand name, what the package looks like, the effect it's going to have. If I take this much before bed tonight, I know I'll wake up around 2 am with the sweats, shaking like a leaf and in a great deal of pain. I will lay down on the bathroom floor in a fetal position and try to breathe through it as my insides seize and convulse violently. This will last until I throw up, maybe an hour later, and even that won't bring enough relief to be able to fall back asleep. I will make my way back to bed and uneasily try to sleep as the pills wage a war on my insides. I'll have up to two days of terrible diarrhea. It will hurt tremendously. And then I can start fresh. It will feel as though this whole past week of binge-eating hasn't happened.

I spot the familiar package of pills. It would be so comforting to pick them up, take them home, and down them. All that guilt and anxiety I feel about how I've been eating this whole time my daughter's been sick, all of that can go away if I just take these damn pills. Isn't it worth it?

"It's not worth it," says the voice within me. "It'll only make things worse."

I know this to be true. Several years ago, I began an almost year-long binge-and-purge cycle after trying the Dr. Bernstein Diet, and in retrospect would have qualified as bulimic during that time. If I had simply quit the diet and gone back to some semblance of a normal, healthy, non-starvation diet, I would have been fine, but I just couldn't. I was so deprived, gray and sallow and unable to sleep while on that diet, that when I stopped the diet I began devouring any food my starving body could ingest. I ate "forbidden" foods, from carrots to candy, like I would die if I slowed down enough to savour it. Then the guilt would rise steadily, and I would feel anxious and fearful about putting weight back on and being fat again. So I would purge. This would make me feel better for a day or two, but then I would again feel deprived and begin obsessing about food, and I would binge again. This was the cycle that kick-started the exponential weight gain that led me to eventually become 100 lbs overweight. This is why I know - from experience - that purging is absolutely not the answer.

And yet, years after I stopped bingeing and purging regularly, anytime I overindulge or even go so far as to binge eat, the very first "solution" that pops into my head is to purge. The desire is always there to cleanse myself of my eating sins. Even though I know better, and even though it has probably been at least a couple years since I last purged, I still find myself drawn to it. It feels like the easy way out, the Get Out of Jail Free card when I feel overwhelmed by the guilt and shame of overeating. And this desire, this inexplicable draw, is what has led me here to the pharmacy at Shoppers Drug Mart, staring down my weapon of choice.

I'm frozen by indecision as a battle wages in my head. There is that voice that wants me to buy these pills, take them home, down them, and sit back and wait for the pain to start. There is that other voice, quieter but more resolute, insisting that this is not the right decision. I waver. I waffle. Something's going to have to happen soon.

"OK," says the quiet voice, resolutely. "You can buy the pills. ONLY if you blog about taking them. Oh yeah, and keep in mind - it might be kind of hard to bike-commute for a couple days."

Just as I reach for the pills I stop in my tracks, hand frozen in mid-air as it reaches towards the shelf. I'll have to blog about it. Everyone will know about my horrible secret. My clients with eating disorders will be able to read this. My Mom will read this. Worst of all, I won't be able to bike. Is it really worth all that? Just to feel like I can "start fresh"? I can start fresh anyway, starting right now. Just stop overeating - don't stop in the candy aisle on the way out, don't go to the Safeway across the parking lot to pick up those ridiculously awesome cupcakes, just go home. Start making better choices now. That's all you have to do. And the past week? It's in the past. Nothing you can do about it now. Just make better choices from now on.

I hurry out of Shoppers Drug Mart and head home, but not before eyeing that Safeway for a few minutes and thinking about those unbelievable cupcakes. When I arrive home, I see Mike the Bike set up on his A-frame fluid trainer just waiting for me to get on. I've already made two healthy choices today - not buying the pills and not buying the cupcakes. Since I'm on a roll, why not throw in a bit of exercise to boot?

I watch an episode of The Simpsons as I pedal away, feeling my arms and my core working in ways I've never noticed when bike-commuting. I still feel guilty about the week of poor eating I've had, but I realize it's not the end of the world. It wasn't even that bad, just worse than what I've been eating since I started bike-commuting. Now that I have the bike trainer for the weekends and I'm bike-commuting during the week, isn't there some room for some overindulgence now and again?

"Absolutely," says the inner voice proudly. "Consider yourself absolved."

Week Twelve - Day One

BIKE: Eastwood

TIME THERE: ??
TIME BACK: ??
WEATHER: clear, 8C, 30km/hr wind there; clear, 11C, 11km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, waterproof shell, scarf, double gloves (scarf and gloves in backpack on the way home)
NOTES:
I'm back in the saddle again!

Ahh, it's so nice to be back to bike-commuting, back to work, and back to having adult human contact now that my daughter is feeling better again! How sweet it is.

During my week off, I put studded winter tires on Mike:
I also bought a bike trainer - a gizmo that I've hooked up to Mike to turn him into a stationary trainer while I wait for this beautiful late fall weather to turn into horrible snowy winter. You can see the trainer in the picture below, hooked up to Mike's back tire. The musical caterpillar that stares at you from behind Mike like a dance-floor creeper is unrelated.
You can take a closer look at the trainer, an Elite Fluid A-Frame Trainer I bought from MEC for $249.00 plus tax, in the picture below. This picture also shows off the beautiful studded-tire-ness that Mike is currently sporting. And the beautiful profile of the musical caterpillar.When the horrible snow arrives, I can finally try out my fancy shmancy bad-ass studded tires. In the meantime, I will continue to revel in the incredibly warm November we've been having. As much as I really look forward to being able to try out my new tires, I also recognize that the snow routinely sticks around until May in this part of the world, so I won't dare wish to hasten its arrival.

So, until real winter hits, I will be using Eastwood to bike to work. He's slower and heavier than Mike, but also much smoother. I figured I would take advantage of this smooth ride and try videotaping my commute to work today, discreetly taping a small camera to the handlebars. I figured I would use the timecode from the video recording to tell me how long it took to get to school. I figured this experiment would be easy. I figured wrong.

Both on the way to school and on the way home, the camera kept shutting off every time I would go over a moderate bump - even despite the relatively smooth ride on this bike. Because of this bump-related failure, I managed not to record most of the ride. What I did record was far too shaky to watch. I considered posting it here, the whopping six minutes of the ride home that I managed to capture on videotape, but I decided 98% of the people who tried to watch it would likely vomit from motion sickness. In a gesture of goodwill towards humanity, I refrained from posting the video. I also failed to determine how long my ride was each way, given that I was relying on my unreliable camera to time me.

I might try again with the camera tomorrow. Instead of taping it to the handlebars I'll probably try taping it either to my arm or my helmet, something that won't provide as much vibration as the handlebars. The camera will be more obvious on me than it was on the bike, leading to more people looking at me and therefore more embarrassment, but what can you do? Good biking footage is well worth it. Besides, how can someone be embarrassed who hardly has any shame?

Week Eleven - The Bike Shop

What a strange nether-world (note: I did not say nether-region) I'm living in right now. I am perfectly well - just a lingering sore throat, but nothing debilitating - and yet, I am stuck inside like a quarantined invalid. I spend my time caring for my daughter, who is (thankfully!!) getting better every day, and even then is still so miserable. Many of her waking hours are spent crying, whining, or yelling out in pain as she scratches incessantly at her rash-riddled thighs. Her fever is down, at least. However, given that she can not return to daycare until she has had 24 hrs. without symptoms, the likelihood of returning to work at all this week looks pretty low.

I have returned to my horrible old ways, the binge-eating habits I developed during the caged-animal days of my maternity leave. The irony is that I have a lot of energy, energy that is best spent being "a flaming extrovert" (yes, that is a verbatim quote of someone describing me) and doing things like randomly breaking into song and dance for the amusement of my colleagues. When I am stuck indoors, alone, trying to take care of a miserable baby who cannot tell me what she wants and for whom I can do nothing more to help, this energy becomes a brutal curse. It leads me to do things like cook and bake - even though I am the only one eating - and invent reasons to go to the store. It leads me to by a box of cookies in the hopes that my daughter might eat if I offer her something palatable. Then, when she continues to refuse to eat - preferring instead to curl up in my arms and snuggle into my neck as I watch TV, I proceed to eat the whole box of cookies myself as I absentmindedly watch another episode of Dexter or Mad Men or The Office. This energy leaves me feeling the weight of my loneliness the way gravity is felt by astronauts returning to earth.

Thankfully, my daughter was just well enough for us to embark on a small outdoor adventure today. We drove to the neighbourhood bike shop, even though it's only a few blocks away, because my daughter is still not well enough to withstand a 20-minute walk each way in November weather. I figured there would be no better time than this week away from work - and therefore away from bike-commuting - to get my winter tires put on. This also happened to merrily coincide with how, at the end of last week, two spokes on my back wheel broke (what's that about, anyway? I've only had the damn bike since August and it's too uncomfortable to ride it roughly!). So I got those broken spokes fixed, too, while Mike was in the shop. They had to take the back fender off to get the new Schwalbe Snow Stud tires to fit, but I'm hoping that's not that big a deal given that I always ride with my rack and panniers in place.

Picking up the bike today and seeing those bad-ass tires on Mike made my heart sing. I am ready for you, SNOW!! I can't wait to try out my new and improved Mike! In the meantime, though, with nothing but bare pavement out there, I'll ride Eastwood until enough snow accumulates so that I won't feel like I'm ruining the studs if I take Mike out for a ride.

Aside from the trek out to the bike store, I've done nothing else all day. Snuggled with my daughter, napped with her, watched TV with her in my arms, given her baths that she absolutely hated, and kept trying to offer her different kinds of foods to see if her appetite is back yet. She ate more than yesterday, but still hardly anything. At least her fluid intake is good.

But, man, all this pent-up energy with no healthy expression has got me thinking: maybe I should get a treadmill, or an elliptical machine, something to spend some of this damn energy on! Well, there's nowhere to put equipment like that, really, and I can't afford something so expensive, and I'm afraid of the consequences of my daughter playing on something like that and getting injured.

Hmm - what about a bike trainer? It's a piece of equipment that automagically turns a regular bike into a stationary bike for indoor training. Sure, it might cost as much as my actual bike - or five times as much, if I hook Eastwood up to it - but it's sure cheaper than a new treadmill! And it's something I can easily store away when not in use. This will be perfect! I can bike-commute and have a stationary bike for those days I can't get outside! It'll give me something active to do while my daughter's napping and I'm stuck inside just waiting for her to wake up! I can even exercise in the evenings after she goes to bed - while watching TV, in my living room, while wearing pyjamas!!! Oh, Great God of Bicycle Trainers, you have SAVED me!!

Perhaps if my daughter is up for another outdoor adventure tomorrow, we'll have to swing by MEC and put my credit card through it's old paces. Oh, credit, you make life worth living!