Week 43 - Day Four: Body Image

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 24 min.
TIME BACK: 26 min.
WEATHER: clear, 16C, no wind there; a few clouds, 25C, 9 km/hr crosswinds back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, zip-up hoodie
NOTES:

Out of nowhere, today I woke up with a deep sense of satisfaction with my body just as it is right now. Let's not kid ourselves here, I still have plenty of weight to lose: I'm still well into the "Obesity" range according to the BMI charts, I'm somewhere around a size 14-16, and no matter how much muscle I claim to have on my 5'4, 192-pound frame, it's still buried under a solid layer of fat.

And yet, today it feels like that doesn't really matter. My boyfriend has commented before: "You're not really self-conscious, are you?" And it's true, for the most part I'm really not. Yeah, put me in a bathing suit in a public setting and I might feel a bit nervous, but most days I'm pretty self-assured. I know that having thick thighs doesn't negate my kick-ass sense of humour, and that having belly fat makes me no less competent as a psychologist and academic. I know my daughter will always love me regardless of my weight because I adore her and raise her as best I can. My family will always love me. Regardless of wherever I'm at with my vastly fluctuating weight, I've never had too much of a problem attracting partners. So what the Hell would be the point of feeling bad about myself?

Sometimes I get hard on myself about not losing more weight during this year of bike-commuting. I get fed up that I'm doing all this physical activity and I've still only averaged a weight loss of 4.4 pounds a month since I started nine months ago. And then there are other days, like today, when I feel like I would be perfectly content to weigh exactly what I weigh right now for the rest of my life even while exercising 1-2 hours a day, five days a week. Especially if that amount of exercise means that I'll never have to go on another restrictive diet again for the rest of my long life. If I can enjoy my food and enjoy my exercise and find some balance in my life with that and work and family life and everything else that occupies me, I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life with thick thighs and belly fat. It's a small price to pay for the unadulterated joy I get from enjoying a really good meal out with a friend, or throwing back a Slurpee on a hot summer day.

I can't say I feel like this every day, but today it's so worth it!