Friday, November 20, 2009

Week Twelve - Day Five

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 26 min.
TIME BACK: 26 min.
WEATHER: clear, 1C, 9km/hr wind there; clear, 5C, 9 km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, waterproof shell, running gloves, scarf (scarf in backpack on th way home)
NOTES:
The North Saskatchewan River - that wide, majestic beast that flows beneath the steel bridge over which I ride every day on the way to and from work - has begun to freeze over. The ice chunks are small and float along the surface of the water, taunting me about the wintry weather to come. Before long that whole river will be frozen through. Any day now the temperature will dip below freezing, and stay that way for the next few months. At any time now, the bitter wind will kick in from the northwest and bury the city in snow and ice. We won't emerge again until mid-May.

Until then, I am reveling in this fine weather. This morning, I biked to work as the sun rose before me, under clear blue-grey and ever-brightening skies. On the way home, I was enveloped by the warm pink glow of the setting sun. It was remarkable. What a beautiful experience I get on my bike - the fresh air, the beautiful views, the racing of my blood through my veins. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

On another note, I really am nervous about how little weight I think I've lost this month. So far, I really haven't been making any significant changes to my diet. While the addition of biking into my life has surely made a significant difference in my lifestyle and has allowed me to lose over 16.5 lbs so far, I do realize that if I want to hit my goal of 100 lbs in a year, I will also have to alter my diet.

I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. Should I go vegetarian? Try the South Beach Diet? Maybe something new? Maybe I should just stick with straight-up calorie counting, the only "diet" I've ever tried that seems to have worked for me. That's what I used when I lost 40 lbs in my first year of university. What worked about it was that it was so damn flexible - no food was off-limits, I just had to count it! Every indulgence meant I had fewer calories left over for real food, and that would always leave me feeling unsatisfied, so I was less motivated to eat junk food. I still would eat it, don't get me wrong, just less. And really, isn't that the whole point - everything in moderation?

But I digress. I will think about the diet question over the weekend and make a decision by Monday. I'll also seriously consider putting my food intake back into the blog as well, as I did in the beginning. As much as I still think the reasons I had to stop that practice were valid, it can also serve a meaningful purpose: it's partly to keep me honest with myself about what I'm eating, and partly to let you know what's working for me and what's not. I'll consider it, anyway.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Week Twelve - Day Three (The No Go)

It was the third day in a row that I had trouble falling asleep. I figured it might take some time to get back into my usual routine after spending last week at home with a sick baby, at times making up for lost overnight sleep by napping five hours in an afternoon. But three days in a row of getting up at the same time, going to bed at the same time, exercising and eating well, feeling tired throughout the day, and still not being able to fall asleep? There is no justice in that.

I heard my daughter whimpering an hour before the alarm was set to go off. "Noooo," I grumbled into my pillow. She quieted down, so I pulled the covers back over my face and tried to fall asleep. I couldn't, of course, but at least I enjoyed resting my eyes.

When the alarm went off, I sighed deeply and willed myself out of bed. It was going to be a bit colder today for the commute, but at least there was no frost on the ground. I staggered into the bathroom, began brushing my teeth, and with toothbrush in hand I entered my daughter's room to check on her.

I was immediately hit by a sour smell. She whimpered quietly to herself, and as I approached her crib my eyes widened in shock as I surveyed the nearly complete coverage of vomit all over her crib. She was lying in the midst of it, her messy hair matted with it, her pajamas crusted all over. "Sophia!" I gasped, plucking her from the mess and searching her face for signs of illness. She was pale, looked tired, but as I pressed my lips to her temple I took comfort in discovering she didn't have a fever.

Right. First things first, then: bath. Then start the laundry. Then call the daycare to tell them she's not coming in, call work to say I'm not coming in, and call the Health Link to consult a nurse about whether we should see a doctor. As I scanned my memory for everything she ate in the past 24 hours and whether anything might have contributed to her stomach upset, I hoped it was just a one-time thing, an overnight anomaly and that she would be perfectly fine. Maybe she just ate something yesterday that didn't agree with her. Who knows.

The nurse seemed unconcerned and thought the best thing to do would be to stay away from a medicentre, so that's what we did. We went shopping in the morning to give us something to do, and when we got home I put my daughter down for a 3-hr. nap. During that time, I tried to make up for my missed commute by riding Mike on the trainer for a half-hour, but it's just not the same. No matter how well I eat at home, it's never as little as at work, and I never exercise as much as when I commute. There simply is no substitute.

When my daughter woke up, she arose with flushed cheeks and a fever of 102F. Shit. Could this mean another lengthy illness, so soon after the last one? I can't bear to see my daughter so miserable! It can't be! Besides, what will they think of me at work if I take more time off? What will I do if I'm stuck at home any longer? What will happen to my commuting efforts, my weight loss efforts, my sanity? Oh, please be better by tomorrow, Sophia, please be better!!

Once again, my commuting efforts have been brought to a halt by the pressing demands of parenthood. Here's hoping this halt lasts a day, maybe two at most - and not another friggin week. Otherwise, I may as well write off the whole month of November.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Week Twelve - Day Two

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 25 min.
TIME BACK: 27 min.
WEATHER: clear, 7C, 24km/hr wind there; clear, 9C, 33km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, waterproof shell, scarf, running gloves (gloves and scarf in backpack on the way home)
NOTES:
I am grateful for the fact that I don't engage in a hacking fit every time I come to a stop at an intersection anymore. I am grateful that I don't feel exhausted to my core. I am grateful I don't feel compelled to fall asleep during counselling sessions. In short, it is wonderful to feel healthy again!

It's as though staying home and taking care of my seriously ill child last week was a trial by fire from which I emerged a cleansed spirit. Cleansed, that is, of my annoying lingering cold. That bastard has been dragging me down since the beginning of October! Ever since then I've been dosing up on vitamins, trying to sleep and rest as much as I can, gargling with salt water, and rinsing out my sinuses with a saline solution 2-3 times a day. I even used my daughter's antibiotic eye/ear drops in the hopes of clearing up whatever was causing the misery in my ears and throat. No matter what I tried, the symptoms might disappear briefly, but they always came back. Like the cat that came back, but even more annoying - and probably with fewer fleas. I think what ultimately killed it off was the simplest experiment I could have tried: I got some honey lemon ginseng green tea from the supermarket, and not only did I drink that - I also gargled with it. Literally overnight my persistent sore throat got better, and within a couple of days all of my symptoms were gone. Thanks, honey lemon ginseng green tea, you're the greatest!

I felt good today - healthy, sparkly, good at my job. I even caught myself in the mirror and thought I looked pretty. Of course I still have plenty of weight to lose, and I desperately need to cut and style my hair, but I felt for the first time in ages like I could see the beautiful, youthful, vital person who has been hiding behind these layers of fat for so long. The sparkle in my eye, the natural pink flush on my cheeks, the quick readiness to smile and laugh - it's all there, it always has been, and it's what makes me beautiful.

That's another thing I'm grateful for. I can't always see what others see in me, the things that attract my friends and lovers and make my family love me. But today I think I saw it, and it reminded me that despite my flaws I really am a lovable person. And for that I'm most grateful.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Confession

Describing an Incident on Sunday, November 15, 2009

Standing in the pharmacy at Shoppers Drug Mart, I scan the shelves for salvation. Has it really come to this?

"Don't do it," a voice within me says quietly, yet firmly.

I know exactly what I'm looking for. The brand name, what the package looks like, the effect it's going to have. If I take this much before bed tonight, I know I'll wake up around 2 am with the sweats, shaking like a leaf and in a great deal of pain. I will lay down on the bathroom floor in a fetal position and try to breathe through it as my insides seize and convulse violently. This will last until I throw up, maybe an hour later, and even that won't bring enough relief to be able to fall back asleep. I will make my way back to bed and uneasily try to sleep as the pills wage a war on my insides. I'll have up to two days of terrible diarrhea. It will hurt tremendously. And then I can start fresh. It will feel as though this whole past week of binge-eating hasn't happened.

I spot the familiar package of pills. It would be so comforting to pick them up, take them home, and down them. All that guilt and anxiety I feel about how I've been eating this whole time my daughter's been sick, all of that can go away if I just take these damn pills. Isn't it worth it?

"It's not worth it," says the voice within me. "It'll only make things worse."

I know this to be true. Several years ago, I began an almost year-long binge-and-purge cycle after trying the Dr. Bernstein Diet, and in retrospect would have qualified as bulimic during that time. If I had simply quit the diet and gone back to some semblance of a normal, healthy, non-starvation diet, I would have been fine, but I just couldn't. I was so deprived, gray and sallow and unable to sleep while on that diet, that when I stopped the diet I began devouring any food my starving body could ingest. I ate "forbidden" foods, from carrots to candy, like I would die if I slowed down enough to savour it. Then the guilt would rise steadily, and I would feel anxious and fearful about putting weight back on and being fat again. So I would purge. This would make me feel better for a day or two, but then I would again feel deprived and begin obsessing about food, and I would binge again. This was the cycle that kick-started the exponential weight gain that led me to eventually become 100 lbs overweight. This is why I know - from experience - that purging is absolutely not the answer.

And yet, years after I stopped bingeing and purging regularly, anytime I overindulge or even go so far as to binge eat, the very first "solution" that pops into my head is to purge. The desire is always there to cleanse myself of my eating sins. Even though I know better, and even though it has probably been at least a couple years since I last purged, I still find myself drawn to it. It feels like the easy way out, the Get Out of Jail Free card when I feel overwhelmed by the guilt and shame of overeating. And this desire, this inexplicable draw, is what has led me here to the pharmacy at Shoppers Drug Mart, staring down my weapon of choice.

I'm frozen by indecision as a battle wages in my head. There is that voice that wants me to buy these pills, take them home, down them, and sit back and wait for the pain to start. There is that other voice, quieter but more resolute, insisting that this is not the right decision. I waver. I waffle. Something's going to have to happen soon.

"OK," says the quiet voice, resolutely. "You can buy the pills. ONLY if you blog about taking them. Oh yeah, and keep in mind - it might be kind of hard to bike-commute for a couple days."

Just as I reach for the pills I stop in my tracks, hand frozen in mid-air as it reaches towards the shelf. I'll have to blog about it. Everyone will know about my horrible secret. My clients with eating disorders will be able to read this. My Mom will read this. Worst of all, I won't be able to bike. Is it really worth all that? Just to feel like I can "start fresh"? I can start fresh anyway, starting right now. Just stop overeating - don't stop in the candy aisle on the way out, don't go to the Safeway across the parking lot to pick up those ridiculously awesome cupcakes, just go home. Start making better choices now. That's all you have to do. And the past week? It's in the past. Nothing you can do about it now. Just make better choices from now on.

I hurry out of Shoppers Drug Mart and head home, but not before eyeing that Safeway for a few minutes and thinking about those unbelievable cupcakes. When I arrive home, I see Mike the Bike set up on his A-frame fluid trainer just waiting for me to get on. I've already made two healthy choices today - not buying the pills and not buying the cupcakes. Since I'm on a roll, why not throw in a bit of exercise to boot?

I watch an episode of The Simpsons as I pedal away, feeling my arms and my core working in ways I've never noticed when bike-commuting. I still feel guilty about the week of poor eating I've had, but I realize it's not the end of the world. It wasn't even that bad, just worse than what I've been eating since I started bike-commuting. Now that I have the bike trainer for the weekends and I'm bike-commuting during the week, isn't there some room for some overindulgence now and again?

"Absolutely," says the inner voice proudly. "Consider yourself absolved."

Week Twelve - Day One

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: ??
TIME BACK: ??
WEATHER: clear, 8C, 30km/hr wind there; clear, 11C, 11km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, waterproof shell, scarf, double gloves (scarf and gloves in backpack on the way home)
NOTES:
I'm back in the saddle again!

Ahh, it's so nice to be back to bike-commuting, back to work, and back to having adult human contact now that my daughter is feeling better again! How sweet it is.

During my week off, I put studded winter tires on Mike:
I also bought a bike trainer - a gizmo that I've hooked up to Mike to turn him into a stationary trainer while I wait for this beautiful late fall weather to turn into horrible snowy winter. You can see the trainer in the picture below, hooked up to Mike's back tire. The musical caterpillar that stares at you from behind Mike like a dance-floor creeper is unrelated.
You can take a closer look at the trainer, an Elite Fluid A-Frame Trainer I bought from MEC for $249.00 plus tax, in the picture below. This picture also shows off the beautiful studded-tire-ness that Mike is currently sporting. And the beautiful profile of the musical caterpillar.When the horrible snow arrives, I can finally try out my fancy shmancy bad-ass studded tires. In the meantime, I will continue to revel in the incredibly warm November we've been having. As much as I really look forward to being able to try out my new tires, I also recognize that the snow routinely sticks around until May in this part of the world, so I won't dare wish to hasten its arrival.

So, until real winter hits, I will be using Eastwood to bike to work. He's slower and heavier than Mike, but also much smoother. I figured I would take advantage of this smooth ride and try videotaping my commute to work today, discreetly taping a small camera to the handlebars. I figured I would use the timecode from the video recording to tell me how long it took to get to school. I figured this experiment would be easy. I figured wrong.

Both on the way to school and on the way home, the camera kept shutting off every time I would go over a moderate bump - even despite the relatively smooth ride on this bike. Because of this bump-related failure, I managed not to record most of the ride. What I did record was far too shaky to watch. I considered posting it here, the whopping six minutes of the ride home that I managed to capture on videotape, but I decided 98% of the people who tried to watch it would likely vomit from motion sickness. In a gesture of goodwill towards humanity, I refrained from posting the video. I also failed to determine how long my ride was each way, given that I was relying on my unreliable camera to time me.

I might try again with the camera tomorrow. Instead of taping it to the handlebars I'll probably try taping it either to my arm or my helmet, something that won't provide as much vibration as the handlebars. The camera will be more obvious on me than it was on the bike, leading to more people looking at me and therefore more embarrassment, but what can you do? Good biking footage is well worth it. Besides, how can someone be embarrassed who hardly has any shame?