Week Ten - Day Five

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 26 min.
TIME BACK: 27 min.
WEATHER: clear, 8C, 31km/hr there; clear, 8C, 19km/hr wind back
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, waterproof shell, scarf, double gloves (scarf in panniers and just running gloves on the way home)
NOTES:

Guilt Day!!!

While most of my days are full of wonderment and mirth, today was more full of guilt and horrible shame. It began during my bike to work. Every morning, I pass over a bridge on which cyclists must ride on the sidewalk, and because I get on the bridge and ride on the sidewalk in the opposite direction of car traffic, I usually stay on the sidewalk for an extra block until I can safely cross the road and ride in the same direction as the car traffic. So I was riding along on the sidewalk for an extra block beyond which it was technically allowed, and while doing so I came up behind a pedestrian who was walking in the middle of the sidewalk. I couldn't swerve off the sidewalk because there was a bus station bench on one side of him and a metal post on the other, so I just rode up behind him and rang my bell so he might step to the side and let me pass. He seemed to do that, so I ploughed on, only to find that he had not actually pulled aside for me but had taken a misstep before stepping right back into line - and right into my way - just as I was passing him. I called out, "pardon me, sir!", but it was too late - I clipped his hand, or maybe even his arm - with my handlebar as I passed. "I'm so sorry!" I called to him, and he also apologized to me (as any good Canadian does for something that wasn't their fault). I took his apology as a sign that he'd survive, so I pedalled on without stopping to make sure he was okay. I didn't hit him hard, nor did I hit very much of him, but I felt awful. For the rest of my journey to work I kept thinking, "Hmm, what is that horrible sensation gnawing at my stomach? Is it hunger? No, it's quite the opposite of hunger - more like nausea. OH RIGHT! It's horrible guilt! Because I clipped a pedestrian when I was illegally biking on the sidewalk!"

Then, towards the end of the morning, I got an e-mail from a dear friend. In this e-mail she sounded upset with me for signing her up for something without consulting her. And it's true - I had signed her up without asking her if I could, so I was completely in the wrong and I knew it. I should have asked her about it, and I remember thinking that I needed to ask her about it, but I completely forgot to, and then she found out about it from a third party. So this led to more horrible guilt.

I responded to that e-mail in the few minutes I had before taking off to a lunch-hour dissertation committee meeting. During that meeting, I had to restrain myself from crying in front of my committee members because I thought I had done something ridiculously wrong at the data analysis stage. The belief that I had done something terribly wrong - and the fact that I wanted to cry about it - all made me feel even more guilty!! Thankfully, my committee is comprised of the most remarkably lovely people in the world and the meeting ended up going very well, but it was pretty touch-and-go for a few minutes there as I struggled to defend my shoddy analysis techniques.

I returned to work exhausted, hungry (I hadn't eaten since my instant oatmeal at 8:30), feeling terrible about myself, and overwhelmed. I arrived ten minutes late for our drop-in intake time, hoping against all hope that it was a slow day and I could just take that hour to eat my lunch and recover from my heavy burden of guilt. Instead, I found the waiting room full, and because of various illnesses we were terribly understaffed to handle this influx. I had a hellish intake hour during which I saw three people, and because I was so motivated not to feel any more guilt for the rest of the day, I managed to get them all appointments - even though it meant booking one of them into one of my non-counselling hours next week. I just couldn't handle the guilt I would feel for referring her elsewhere, knowing she truly needed help.

What a day! When I got home, I took my daughter out and we shared a donair combo for dinner. I felt guilty (of course) for eating a less-than-balanced meal for dinner, and especially for feeding one to my daughter, but once in a while it's the right thing to do. Once in a while, a girl just needs her salty meat and cheese. And today was one of those days!

Week Ten - Day Four

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 24 min.
TIME BACK: 26 min.
WEATHER: clear, 1C, 6km/hr wind there; a few clouds, 17C, 20km/hr wind back
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf (had to take the gloves off partway home because I was so warm!)
NOTES:

Appreciation

1. I appreciate that after implementing Daylight Savings Time over the weekend, it is now light out both when I bike to work in the morning and when I bike home in the afternoon.
2. I appreciate that it's so warm this late into fall. This afternoon I didn't need my gloves or my scarf, and would have even done better with a sweater than with my sweat-inducing waterproof shell. With this warm fall weather, I almost feel like I'm not even in Edmonton!
3. I appreciate that whatever snow has fallen so far has not stayed. I know that before long, there will be a light dusting of snow that arrives and never leaves - it will just be built upon and built upon and will not melt away until well into April, or even May. Until that snowy day that signals the beginning of six months of snow cover, I deeply appreciate the clear roads.
4. I appreciate that as I bike along the northern bank of the river valley and look south, the golf course laid out below at the bottom of the valley is still a well-manicured green blanket. It's so nice to still see something - anything - that's green at this time of year.
5. I appreciate that my supervisor mentioned in passing today that I'm "shrinking". I know he is quite conscious of maintaining some semblance of professional boundaries, so I appreciate that he noticed my weight loss and found a way to comment on it in a way that wasn't awkward.
6. I appreciate the people I work with and the incredible clients I have who privilege me by allowing me to share in their struggles. In this line of work, I have found my naturally ample love of humanity has grown even more profound. It makes me look forward to work every day, and I especially appreciate that because the sad truth is that not everybody can say that.
7. I appreciate that I look forward to coming home at the end of the day and spending some time with my daughter. She fills my whole being with a love I can neither express nor even comprehend. Being a single parent is not easy, and it's not always rewarding, but ultimately she makes it completely and utterly worth it.
8. I appreciate that I've been managing to lose weight without dieting. I deny myself nothing, and that is wonderful.
9. I appreciate that after I put my daughter to sleep today, I looked out the window for a moment and caught a glimpse of a bright white star in the night sky. Just one, but it was beautiful.
10. I appreciate my health. I'm feeling better - still not 100%, but about as well as I've felt in a long time, and it's amazing the difference it makes. I feel awake. I feel energetic. I break out into dance randomly at work. I feel like I'm me again, and for that I am truly appreciative.

Week Ten - Day Three

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 25 min.
TIME BACK: 25 min.
WEATHER: clear, -5C, 6km/hr wind there; clear, 6C, 15km/hr wind back
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
"That's it, I'm taking a look at this bugger!" I thought to myself. With great determination, I grabbed a flashlight and stalked into the bathroom, pressed my tongue down with the handle of my toothbrush, and said, "ahhhhh!" I shone the flashlight into the back of my throat to see what on earth could possibly be causing this much discomfort.

In retrospect, I wish I hadn't looked. What I found was a stalactite-looking growth coming off my right tonsil. "BAH! What the hell is that?" I asked aloud with a fear-stricken look clouding my face. The more I looked around in there, the less I could figure out exactly what I was seeing. What is that hideous growth, and what does it mean? Are my tonsils swollen? Are those white spots in there, indicating an infection, or is that just the reflection of the flashlight on my wet innards? Damn you, curiosity, why couldn't you just be happy not knowing??

I consulted my two favourite and most trusted sources of knowledge on the subject - the internet, and my Mom. The internet suggested I may have tonsillitis, or strep throat, or lymphoma. My Mom suggested I go to the doctor as soon as I can to figure out what's actually wrong, instead of looking at disgusting pictures of infected tonsils online and convincing myself I have cancer. Mom: 1; Internet: 0.

What I do know is that today is the first time it's felt any better in a week or more. What likely caused this turn of events is that starting last night I self-administered over-the-counter ear drops, Polysporin Ear & Eye Drops that I previously used on my daughter's eyes, in case I have an ear infection. I gave myself two drops in each ear last night, and another two in each ear this morning. I'm supposed to do this four times a day for 7-10 days, so I brought the drops with me to work to continue my regiment. So far, it seems to be helping! My throat hurts less, I'm coughing less, and I even managed to sleep last night without waking in the middle of the night and having to pop more "night time cold and flu" pills to calm my sore throat and get me back to sleep. My throat still hurts, and I am still coughing occasionally, but not as much as yesterday, and that's a very positive start.

Mom: 0; Internet: 0; Polysporin Eye and Ear Drops: WIN.

Week Ten - Day Two

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 26 min.
TIME BACK: 28 min.
WEATHER: a few clouds, 1C, 9km/hr wind there; a few clouds, 7C, 24km/hr wind back
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
Towards the end of the day, my supervisor plodded into my room. "Lauren!" he said, "I need energy! Do something to energize me." Without hesitation, I began flailing my arms and legs around to the rhythm of my own made-up uptempo tune. He laughed, then nodded appreciatively. It seemed to do the trick - for the moment, anyway.

Despite the awesomeness of the people I work with, and the genuine caring I feel for my clients, there's just something about work lately that has been exhausting. So far I've chalked it up to basically being sick since Thanksgiving - almost a solid month straight of oscillating between feeling under the weather and full-on sick - but it seems everyone at work is feeling tired these days. It's not just me, so it can't be explained away by my perpetual illness. What is going on?

The weather is remarkably mild for November. With the change to daylight savings time over the weekend, I get to bike to and from work while it's light out. There has been a higher than usual rate of cancellations and no-shows with clients, so my days aren't as client-load-heavy as usual. There just doesn't seem to be any reason for this exhaustion. And yet, despite that lack of reason, I find myself wanting to catch naps at my desk in the mere minutes of respite I have between clients. I find myself wanting to eat more, and definitely eat more sugar, just to keep awake. My eyes want to close so badly that I've been prone to unnecessarily long blinks - those blinks that last just a second too long because of the effort it takes to open my eyes again once they've known the pleasure of being shut.

Who knows what's going on with the energy level at work? I don't. What I do know is that the time I feel most awake is when I'm biking, even if I don't always feel like doing it (as was the case today). Sometimes my legs ache, I'm coughing up a lung, my throat hurts to swallow, I feel tired to the core, and I just want to rest. Even on those days, my self-powered commute proves to be a highlight. Crazy, perhaps, but true.

Week Ten - Day One

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 25 min.
TIME BACK: 27 min.
WEATHER: overcast, -2C, 6km/hr wind there; overcast, 6C, 9km/hr wind back
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
I woke up with a fierce determination to bike to work today. Regardless of the weather or how I slept overnight or the state of my cold, I was biking.

The first thing I did upon waking was look out my window to check whether it had snowed overnight and to gauge how frosty the roads looked. No snow, good; minimal frost, great. I'm riding Mike today! Screw you, Eastwood!

I plodded into the bathroom and caught the first glimpse of my sleepy face, rutted with pillow creases and sporting gray shadows under the eyes. Sexy. My eyes refused to open fully, but even at half-mast I could see that the whites of my eyes were more pink and bloodshot than God's-robe-white. Once again: sexy. I knew I didn't sleep well last night - a lot of tossing and turning, adjusting the covers, surrendering to that barking cough of mine, and having to blow my nose in order to breathe properly - but did I really have to look so much like I didn't sleep well?

On the way to work, everything felt just a little bit off. There was the repetitious whoosh-whoosh-whoosh of something rubbing against the back tire (the fender? the brake?). There was sitting in that hunched-over position, on that hard, narrow saddle, after getting used to Eastwood's short, wide, cushy seat and more upright position. My legs felt heavy, the bike felt heavy, the road felt hard and rough under my high-pressure, unyielding tires. I felt like I was hardly moving, and yet panting and sweating all the same. Where's my rhythm? Where's the pleasure in all this?

I was pleasantly surprised when I got to work and discovered I'd made it in 25 minutes. Huzzah! OK, maybe things felt off but weren't really off, objectively. Maybe it's just that it's been too long - four days - since I last biked, and maybe it's that I'm still fighting this cold. I'm just rusty, that's all. Nothing a good, solid week of bike-commuting can't fix.

I walked into the office bark-coughing until the walls practically shook. My supervisor stepped out of his room and looked at me quizzically. "That doesn't sound good," he said, a hint of concern colouring his voice.

"It's just the cough," I responded, "I'm actually feeling a lot better, [pause for hacking fit] but this cough [hacking fit] . . . I bet the biking doesn't help."

"I'm sure it doesn't."

"Well," I countered, "if I let a lingering cough stop me from biking, I won't bike all winter. So I'm biking through the cough!" And with that, I buried my face into my sleeve and hacked away for good measure, then went into my office to change and get ready for the day. Cough or no cough, I'm glad I biked today. I always miss it when I don't.

However, I must say, I could have done without the taste of my own lungs floating at the back of my mouth. "The taste of lung?" you ask. And I reply: "Oh, yes, my friend, lung. It tastes like blood. Just a hint of iron tickling the back of my tongue." That's the taste of having a hacking cough and continuing to bike-commute in cold air. I have to say, it's kind of gross, I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. But you know what? I'm just happy I'm back in the saddle again!

MONTHLY CHECK-IN

WEIGHT LOSS THIS MONTH: 6.5 lbs
WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: 16.5 lbs

I knew my weight loss this month wouldn't be as fantastically awesome as last month. I missed two commuting days because of the conference in Vancouver, another day because I was unprepared for the early wintry weather, and another two days because of illness. That's a full week of lost commuting right there. On top of that, both being sick and being at the conference contributed to periods of poor eating. If anything, I should probably be grateful I still ended up losing as much weight as I did!

And yet, I'm still disappointed. I look back at October and feel the urge to shake my head at myself for not being better restrained, better prepared, and in better health. I know it's unreasonable to make such demands on myself, and I also know that there are bound to be months of greater and lesser weight loss that will hopefully average out over the year and ultimately get me to my target weight regardless. Still, entering into November I can feel the pressure I'm putting on myself to do better this month. At the very least, just be more consistent.

And when in doubt, try some of those Jedi mind tricks they teach us in psychology to make my body work for me rather than against me! But I can't say more about that - in fact, I'm afraid I've said too much already . . .