Diet Doubts

I'm questioning the helpfulness of maintaining a diet log on this site. On the one hand, it helps keep me on track. Sometimes when I'm faced with the temptation of eating some ghastly sweet treat - like, say, icing, without the cake - I can ask myself, "do you really want to put that in your blog?", and my fear of public humiliation usually helps me refrain from indulging. On the other hand, the issues that come up for me include: (a) privacy: for me, keeping a list of everything I put in my body seems like a remarkably intimate thing to make public; (b) helpfulness: I question how helpful it is to other people interested in losing weight to see a detailed account of what I'm eating day in and day out and whether that's been working for me, considering how differently each person responds to any given diet; and, (c) focus: am I losing focus in this blog by concentrating on diet when, really, the intention was to document my bike-commuting efforts with the hope that weight loss would be one of the benefits of trading in my car for a bike?

Here's what I'm thinking - I felt fine documenting my diet during the week when my diet was relatively predictable, but I suddenly felt a bit self-conscious documenting my weekend eating habits because for whatever reason that felt like more of an invasion of privacy. Perhaps because so much of eating is social, and on the weekends I do most of my eating with my daughter and/or with friends, rather than my weekday eating which is more likely to be either alone or with co-workers at the office, and because of that it started feeling a bit weird.

Further, having been a long-time consumer of diet literature/culture/fads/whatever you want to call it (I've tried vegetarian, vegan, Atkins, South Beach, and everything in between!), I know from my own experience that a diet that might work for one person may be a train wreck for another. For instance, a friend of mine had a great deal of success with the Dr. Bernstein diet, though it was an absolute gong-show for me. When I tried it several years ago, I constantly felt like I was starving (the whole "you don't even feel hungry!" line was complete bullshit to me), within days I grew grey and sallow, and I developed insomnia that has continued to plague me on and off to this day. While weight loss is supposed to be pretty fast and constant on that diet, I lost a bunch of water weight in the first few days and immediately stopped losng weight after that - most likely my body going into starvation mode and holding on to everything it had for dear life. I stuck with it for another week just to be sure, but I didn't lose any more weight, and when I finally did give up on the diet I was so physically and mentally worn out by it I developed what I would later discover was a diagnosable eating disorder (it lasted less than a year but precipitated the remarkable weight gain I've experienced pretty well ever since going off that diet). Clearly, what had worked for my friend was a terrible dieting experience for me that had far-reaching, years-long (maybe even permanent?) consequences.

Hence my fear of documenting the details of my current eating habits. I'm afraid that others may want to try what I'm doing and find that it doesn't help them lose weight, or they can't stick to it because it's unreasonable for them, or that it causes some horrible unforseen consequences like my experience with the Dr. Bernstein diet. The people who profit from the diet industry make their money on convincing people that the diet works, and if it doesn't work for you then you failed somehow, and since I find that sales pitch to be an abhorrent lie, I really don't want to throw my hat into that ring. I will leave you with this advice, though: a healthy diet will never make you feel like you're starving, make you feel guilty for eating certain foods, or leave you craving food groups you are no longer "allowed" to eat. Find what works for you - your body, your likes and your dislikes - and be patient. Nothing will work unless it's something you can stick to over a long period of time - ideally, the rest of your life - and if you can't stick to it, it means the diet failed, not you. And give the ol' one-finger salute to anyone and everyone who tells you otherwise!

Lastly, I really don't want to distract from the reason I started this blog - to track my bike-commuting efforts - and I'm afraid that getting into details about diet will shift the blog more towards a weight-loss story than a bike-commuting story. I believe proper eating is important for maintaining my ability to bike-commute and I imagine eating habits will inevitably come up often enough even if I don't track them daily. However, I think it will be a mistake to let them steal the focus away from the biggest change I'm making - the addition of an hour or more of exercise 5 days a week into my life through bike-commuting.

So, I think it's settled - I'm going to drop the daily diet tracking. As I said, I'm sure diet issues will come up pretty often throughout the next year and I will talk about those in the blog, but I'm afraid that giving a detailed account of my eating habits is too intimate, too distracting, and ultimately unhelpful.

-- FIN --

Day Four (or, Day Fuckity Fuckin' Fucker Four)

TIME THERE: 29 min.
TIME BACK: 35 min. (went to the bike shop directly rather than home, though it's about the same distance from school)
WEATHER: 14C, cloudy, 14 km/h wind there; 16C, rainy, 35 (gusts up to 50) km/h wind home.
WHAT I WORE: Yoga pants, t-shirt, rain jacket
WHAT I ATE:
Breakfast - banana (eaten at home), protein bar (eaten at the office), coffee (mid-morning)
Lunch - Shaved chicken and cheddar cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, plum, bag of veggies, light Babybel cheese snack
Afternoon snack: a pack of All Bran Bites
Dinner - A veritable smorgasbord of leftovers - a couple bites of pasta, a bit of chili, a couple pieces of whole wheat bread with a bit of margarine on them, a handful of cereal, a piece of light Babybel cheese, and blueberries for dessert
Evening Snack - chicory coffee subsitute with flavoured liquid Coffee Mate
NOTES:
Fuck yeah! I don't believe I've sworn as much as I did on the way home since I was in labour. Here's the thing - I'm kind of tired, kind of hungry, and want to head home so I can start off my long weekend. The problem is, it's shitty outside. It rained on and off all day, and the wind ranged from 20-50 km/h, depending on when you went outside. I met a friend for a lunch-time walk and we encountered a couple gusts that were pretty intense. So I was not looking forward to the ride home.

At first it was ok - very windy, though, and if you've ever tried biking on a windy day you'll know that: (a) it sucks; (b) it feels like you're going uphill when you're not, so God help you if you actually do encounter a hill AND it's windy; and, (c) your body, which is thicker and heavier than the bike, acts as a sail and in strong enough wind it can seriously affect your sense of balance and control. Now, most people cycle fast enough not to really feel too much of (c), but lucky for me I was going just slow enough to allow the wind to catch against my thick, non-aerodynamic body and cause some swerving. Hot diggity, that damn wind sure as hell made me work hard to get my ass home today.

Hence, the swearing. Every hard gust of wind elicited a "fuck!" or "Jeeeezus!". As the ride went on, the wind picked up, and so did the rain - it went from a slight drizzle to a full-on downpour by the end. The combination made a couple cold wet drops of rain land directly in my ear - and I'm not talking outer ear, I'm talking the inside. I don't appreciate Mother Nature giving me wet willies while I'm struggling to get myself home after a long day at work. You hear that, mofo?? NOT APPRECIATED!

I kept having to downshift, downshift, downshift, as the ride continued and the wind picked up. I got increasingly wet and increasingly cold (especially in the hands region). Finally, I got to the bike shop and dropped off my bike to be tuned up over the weekend, only to find that: (a) it would be more expensive than I expected (around $100); (b) it might not even be ready by Tuesday, so I may end up missing a day of commuting, which if you remember from yesterday is something I didn't want to do and was why I waited to bring it in until the weekend; and, (c) I had to walk home, pick up the car, then drive to daycare to pick up my daughter - causing me to walk in the rain for 10-15 min. during the hardest of the downpour, all the while carrying my panniers which kept getting attached to each other and stuck. "Little fuckers," I'd call them while trying to pry them apart, amazed at how securely they became stuck together just by being gently in contact with each other. "Motherfucker!" So I'm walking home, drenched, trying to pull my damn panniers apart, and wondering why the hell I'm doing all this in the first place.

Here's what I'm fantasizing about - going home and surrounding myself with: a large pizza straight from the box, a full box of donuts, a big white sheet cake with 3-inch-thick icing, a couple rows of delectable artisanal chocolates, and a fishbowl margarita - in each hand. And NO cutlery.

Instead, I pick up my daughter and come home, we have some lame leftovers for dinner, and my indulgence for the night is having a bit more Coffee Mate in my chicory drink than usual. I did eat a bit more for dinner than usual, but I am very hungry today, and I suspect that the battling-the-wind ride home today might have helped with that. I feel good about myself for not indulging in any of the crap I was fantasizing about, and I even managed to avoid making 5-minute chocolate cake for dessert (I was very tempted on this one, and even looked up the recipe again and was about to get started, but I did a quick calculation of the calories involved and decided it was entirely and ridiculously not worth it).

Coffee Mate and chicory drink it is. Ultimately, the better choice - but damn it, the ride home was a fuckity-fuck-fucker of a commute, and I sure as hell wanted some damn reward when I got home!

The Great Debate

A great debate rages on in my fair city over where cyclists belong: on the road, on the sidewalk, or one specially designated bike paths. We have access to a fabulous and massive system of trails and multi-use (pedestrian and wheeled but not motorized vehicles like bikes and rollerblades) pathways through our beautiful river valley. While this system is ideal for recreational and athletic uses, it's less convenient for commuters because it's limited to the curvy path the river cuts through the city - so if you don't live or work along that path, too bad for you - and as far as I know it is not cleared of snow in the winter (I believe the pathways become cross-country skiing trails during the winter months). Currently, the city has some areas with dedicated bike paths where cyclists share the right of way with pedestrians and operate essentially as a sidewalk where bikes are permitted. There are also a number of on-road bike routes where the roads are slightly wider and bikes are expected to operate under the same rules as a motor vehicle. Then the rest of the city consists of regular roads, which cyclists are permitted to share with cars.

There are some important considerations in this debate. Safety is the biggest issue - where are most people going to be safest? That must include cyclists as well as pedestrians and drivers. Other considerations include space and money - it would be lovely if cyclists and pedestrians could each have their own path systems so there are no more bicycle-pedestrian, bicycle-car, or car-pedestrian accidents ever again, but in most urban spaces there would never be the money or space to allow for such systems (let alone what kind of confusion might arise at intersections). There are also other considerations that transportation planners would know much more about than I, but those seem to me to be the most obvious.

I've heard the argument that cyclists belong on the road because they are going much faster than pedestrians and for all intents and purposes are often treated by city bylaws as vehicles. These bylaws have then set in place the expectation that bicycles have the same rights and responsibilities as cars, so there's some predictability in terms of rights of way and behaviour on the road. On the other hand, others claim that cyclists aren't going nearly as fast as cars and are in much greater danger for injury when competing with cars for road space than they (or pedestrians) are when competing for footpath-space.

I'm not fully convinced where I stand on this issue. I don't think it's fair to equate bicycles with cars because, with the exception of competitive cyclists, most commuters are going less than one-third the speed of the cars they are sharing the roads with, and the weight difference between bicycles and cars makes them even more incomparable as modes of transportation. Further, the potential for fatalities is much greater between cyclists and cars than between cyclists and pedestrians. On sidewalks that are mostly empty of pedestrian traffic, there is no question for me that bikes should be there and not mingling with car traffic. However, the problems arise when dealing with busy, high-traffic footpaths. In my limited experience trying to navigate my bicycle through the throngs of students packed onto the common areas of my campus, I find myself wishing there were pedestrian-free roads I could take instead. The likelihood of collisions is great because people are walking in all different directions, instead of with roads where lanes keep directional traffic separate, and again because of a lack of lanes people walk in path-blocking clusters, can stop or change direction quite abruptly, and in general behave in remarkably unpredictable ways. This, combined with the very utilitarian concern of space, means that my biking speed drops dramatically and I am on constant lookout for possible collisions when I share a busy path with pedestrians. In this instance, it is without question better for bikes to be on the road.

So the debate rages on, and I follow the letters-to-the editor and op-ed articles in the newspaper with interest. I don't believe there are any easy solutions, and I'm very grateful that people are thinking about and discussing this issue. After all, wouldn't it be nice to start planning now for the transportation infrastructure decisions that will shape the future of our cities? As more people turn to bicycles as an affordable, healthy, green solution to their transportation needs, the issues at the heart of this debate will only become more critical.

Day Three

TIME THERE: 32 min.
TIME BACK: 31 min.
WEATHER: 32C, sunny, 24km/h wind
WHAT I WORE: Yoga pants, t-shirt (had dress clothes packed away in panniers)
WHAT I ATE:
Breakfast - banana (eaten at home), protein bar (eaten at the office), coffee (mid-morning)
Lunch - Shaved chicken and cheddar cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, apple, bag of veggies, light Babybel cheese snack
Afternoon snack: a pack of All Bran Bites
Dinner - Whole wheat pasta with homemade primavera sauce, salad
Evening Snack - blueberries and chicory coffee subsitute with flavoured liquid Coffee Mate
NOTES:
On the way to school this morning, I noticed it seemed to take a lot of effort to pedal, and I ended up having to down-shift to keep up a decent speed without killing my thighs. Yesterday I had the excuse of having been exhausted, but I got a good night's sleep last night, so I had no excuse today! I berated myself a little for going easy on myself and being "lazy", but immediately countered back with my motto: "the point is to get there", which reminds me that it's not about speed or what gear I'm in or how hard my thigh muscles are working. It's just about getting there, and trying not to kill myself in the meantime. On top of the lower gear, about halfway through the ride I started hearing noises of complaint from the bike. It was squeaking like the rusty springs of a bed on which two large people are doin' it. It made me smile, but also was a bit embarrassing because my poor bike sounded like it was having a rough day and I was carelessly riding it anyway.

When I got to school, I lamented my bike troubles to my supervisor, who's a cyclist himself. He questioned whether the tires were fully inflated, and the moment he mentioned that I remembered they weren't when I checked them before leaving for work, but I didn't feel like I had time to fill them. Silly me! He said that when the tires aren't fully inflated, you have to work twice as hard, and it sure felt like that to me! So I'm glad that I down-shifted for a good reason - it was genuinely much harder to pedal because my tires weren't fully inflated - and not just because I was being "lazy".

Going home, I was afraid for my poor bike. Would it still be creaking? What about the tires - will I damage the rims by riding on them with partially-inflated tubes? Was the creaking a sign of the stem (which is loose, and I can't seem to fix it) getting worse and becoming a safety issue? I made sure to go easy on myself and rode in 13th gear instead of my usual 14th most of the way, downshifting 12th or even 11th on some of the inclines, and even though I'm already careful not to curb-jump on this bike given the reviews I'd read about it, I was especially careful to avoid potholes and other bumps today. And there was a silver lining, at least. The nice thing about partially inflated tires is that the tires seemed to absorb more shock, ensuring that every little bump in the road didn't feel like I was being punched in the sensitive bits (which, sadly, is the norm with these hard, thin tires).

I actually made decent time going home, and I got home safe and sound. Woot woot!! The whole way, I debated in my mind whether I should stop at Revolution Cycle to get the bike tuned up and get someone who knows what they're doing to fix my stem. If I dropped it off, it wouldn't get fixed until Friday afternoon, so I would miss a day of commuting. If I waited, I could get it fixed on Saturday and not miss any commuting days, but then risk riding it with a loose stem and whatever else was wrong with it for another day.

I ultimately decided to wait until Saturday, since I only started commuting on Tuesday and wanted to get at least four days' worth of riding in this week. Besides, if I just inflated the tires a bit, it would make it a whole lot easier to ride, right? Right! The problem is, when I got home I immediately set to work trying to make adjustments to it - I inflated the tires, and checked on those pesky back brakes that keep rubbing against the tire. But, Jeebus almighty, I have no luck with those damn brakes! They were rubbing, then I loosened them and it stopped the rubbing but then the brakes were so loose as to be useless, so when I tightened them again they were rubbing again! I have no idea what to do with these bastards. I'll definitely have to take it in on Saturday to get tuned up. In the meantime, I'll try not to use the back brakes so they don't get stuck against the tire (obviously, if I have to make an emergency stop I'll use the damn brakes because they definitely work - it's just that they also contribute a huge amount of drag to the back wheel).

So hopefully tomorrow, with fully inflated tires and if I can manage to keep the back brake from rubbing against the wheel, then the ride will be easier than it's been these past couple days. That would be a most welcome change, because by the time I got home this evening my thighs were pretty sore.

Day Two: Tired

TIME THERE: 33 min.
TIME BACK: Unknown (didn't check the clock before leaving because I was running late)
WEATHER: 29C, sunny, Humidex added +3C, 19km/h wind
WHAT I WORE: Yoga pants, t-shirt (had dress clothes packed away in panniers)
WHAT I ATE:
Breakfast - banana (eaten at home), protein bar (eaten at the office), coffee (mid-morning)
Lunch - Shaved chicken and cheddar cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, apple, bag of veggies, light Babybel cheese snack
Dinner - Some more homemade chili and a brimming bowl of salad, half of a piece of whole wheat bread that I shared with my daughter
Evening Snack - sliced orange and chicory coffee subsitute with flavoured liquid Coffee Mate
NOTES:
I was so tired today, it was ridiculous. I don't think I could have counted as being awake, technically, given the absence of brain activity, and for that matter I don't even think I could have counted as alive. I'm not sure if the exercise helps wake me up or contributes to my exhaustion, all I know is that it better not be like this tomorrow because I see my first clients and I CAN'T be falling asleep on them. The ride itself was good - I tried out a new route that cuts through a beautiful rich neighbourhood full of large, older estate homes (my favourite). This route minimizes the time spent riding alongside cars on busy roads, thereby minimizing the likelihood of death. I consider this a good thing. It's also more scenic, though given that I do still ride on-road I tend not to take my eyes off where I'm going for more than a fraction of a second at a time.

Coming home was a bit rough because it was so damn hot (it wasn't so hot in the morning, when the coolness from overnight helped keep the temperature comfortable). Also, the adjustments I tried making on the bike did nothing, so the stem is still loose (I'm not sure if that's a safety issue or not, and if it is I really do need to get that fixed) and the back brake is still loose. I started to feel VERY tired by the end of the day, so the ride home felt long, arduous, and took a lot of out me. It felt like my bike was heavier, or the brakes were partly on or something, because every rotation of my legs took that much more effort than usual. It's a good thing I biked to work already and had no alternate way of getting home, otherwise I might have given up and taken some lazy way home. Also, good thing for this blog, which keeps me honest!

But, seriously, I really, really need to sleep tonight. Really. The second the damn cat gets all up in my business, she's out!

Fucking Cat

Last night I was very, very tired after my big day of bike-commuting and starting my internship. I could barely keep my eyes open while I drank my chicory coffee substitute and read War and Peace in the evening, which is how I've been spending my down-time these days after my daughter's in bed for the night. So I went to bed early, getting ready around 9:30 and snuggling into bed just before 10:00 p.m. I was delighted to think of getting up to 8.5 hrs of sleep! I pulled the covers up to my eyes and settled in for a long, restful sleep, with the hopes of waking refreshed and invigorated and ready to tackle another day at internship.

The problem is, of course, things never work out quite the way I plan them. This time, what I failed to account for was - of all things - my cat. I have a kitten who is ridiculously cute and fuzzy and playful, and usually a lot of fun. She also usually sleeps through the night in bed with me, snuggling against my leg under the covers. Very sweet. Last night, however, she must have inadvertently (or advertently, as the case may be) ingested some crack-cocaine, because she hardly slept all night. This, in turn, means that I hardly slept all night.

My kitten, named Pippi (she has a black body with all white "socks" on her paws, with one long "stocking" of white up one leg, hence the name), refused to simply not sleep. She figured her sleepless time would be best spent eating my hair, walking on my face, attacking my feet, and trying to find ways she might be able to wedge herself between my neck and the pillow. I should have kicked her out of my room when I realized it was already after midnight and I still hadn't fallen asleep, but she's still a baby and I felt bad about her spending the night alone. Clearly, I'm a bleeding-heart idiot.

I did manage to fall asleep at some point, but was awoken again shortly after 5 am by that damn cat. I kicked her out of my room at 5:45 - 45 minutes before my alarm was set to go off - and couldn't fall back asleep, even in the peace of her absence. So my alarm went off at 6:30, and I wanted to cry. Instead, I rolled out of bed, stumbled to the bathroom, and began skilfully applying makeup to trick others into the illusion that I was remotely alive. I biked to school with greater effort than usual - probably due to the lack of sleep making my legs feel like tree trunks the whole way - and am now at work, trying not to fall asleep at the keyboard. My supervisor saw me walk in before I changed into my work clothes and commented that I must have been working hard to get here, given that I was drenched in sweat. You said it, brother! Another day of no real clients booked - and thank God for that.

Fucking cat.

Day One: The Beginning

And so it begins!

Today was the first day of my internship, and correspondingly the first day of my bike-commuting to school and effort to lose weight. I figure I'll structure the rest of the commute-tracking posts as follows, leaving my rambling prose for the days when I just want to vent about something or otherwise indulge my wordy self.

TIME THERE: 31 min.
TIME BACK: 33 min.
WEATHER: 28C, sunny, Humidex added +3C, 13km/h wind
WHAT I WORE: Heavy wide-cuffed dress pants, t-shirt (had dress shirt packed away in panniers)
WHAT I ATE:
Breakfast - banana (eaten at home), protein bar (eaten at the office), coffee (mid-morning)
Lunch - Korean BBQ beef with steamed broccoli and white rice (didn't eat all the rice)
Afternoon Snack - mid-afternoon coffee
Dinner - A smaller portion than usual of homemade chili plus a salad (unless otherwise indicated, my salads consist of pre-packaged, pre-washed salad mix topped with cherry tomatoes and broccoli slaw and a sprinkle of feta cheese, drizzled with balsamic vinegar), a piece of whole wheat bread, and an apple for dessert
Evening Snack - sliced orange and my little indulgent treat: chicory coffee subsitute with flavoured liquid Coffee Mate in it
NOTES:
Oh my God, was I tired today! I think there were a number of factors going on there - it's my first time back to full-time work since beginning my 16-month maternity leave/research year, where I really haven't worked on anything for more than a few hours a day, a couple days a week, for almost 1.5 years. I spent the entire morning yawning and being very grateful that I didn't see any clients today, lest they be insulted by my exhaustion (I'm a counsellor, by the way, doing my PhD internship in counselling psychology). It was also quite warm today, and I was wearing heavy pants, so I was particularly warm throughout the day - which, by the way, doesn't help when you're already tired. Add that to a poor sleep last night (chalked up to nerves about my big day) and an hour of commuting under my own steam, and we've got ourselves a tired puppy!
Aside from being tired (leading to a complete lack of brain functioning throughout the day), it was a very good day. I didn't die while commuting, either from being too out of shape or from being hit by a car, and I consider that a victory (huzzah!). Even with heavy pants that stuck to my legs as the hot weather got me all gross and sweaty, and even with the remarkable difference the packed panniers made in the weight and feel of the bike, I survived. Work went well - it was a pretty easy, slow day, filled with lots of socializing with my colleagues who are remarkably fun and awesome, so I can't complain.
What I learned today is that having the weight of the packed panniers over the back wheel made a huge difference in how "solid" I felt on the bike. Between that added junk-in-the-trunk weight throwing off the balance a bit, and the fact that I seem not to have tightened the stem well enough when I put that handlebar-height-extender on, AND with the noise the fenders made every time I hit a rough patch of road, all these colluding factors led to what felt like a shaky, less controlled bike (and therefore a more shaky, fearful rider). I'll try to tighten the stem tonight and see if it makes a difference tomorrow. Nevertheless, it really surprised me what a difference such an apparently small change (addition of packed panniers) made.
Another thing I learned: it would probably be wise to wear my stretchy, light yoga pants with t-shirt for the commute, pack away the dress pants along with the dress shirt, and just get all nekked and change everything at work. Wearing the dress pants was a mistake for a couple reasons: the cuffs continually rubbed against the bike chain, and though they didn't get caught or torn they will undoubtedly get dirty and worn out and may eventually be ruined by getting caught in the chain; also, the heavy, non-breathing synthetic material was definitely not made to exercise in, especially in warm temperatures, so it felt heavy and hot against my legs and once they started sticking to my sweating thighs they definitely added to the required effort for pedalling.
All told I'd say it was a successful first day! Hopefully as time goes on I'll feel less tired at work, more confident on the bike, and maybe even be able to shorten the commuting time. Wish me luck!

Reasons To Lose Weight

Tomorrow is the big day - the start of my internship, the start of my commuting efforts and weight-loss journey, the end of my free time! I'm nervous and excited and generally feeling all those mixed emotions that come with starting something new. I really am nervous about biking to school, even if I've done it before and I know the route and I know how long it's going to take. It's completely different now - I'll be wearing counselling pants, for one thing, and now that I've publicized my efforts and my general route there's the daunting possibility that someone might actually LOOK at me while I'm biking. DON'T DO THAT!!! It's nerve-racking enough as it is, being overweight and moving slowly and panting hard and not fully knowing how to ride on the road properly (like, how do you make a left turn when you've been riding in the curb lane the whole time??). So the thought of calling attention to myself, aside from being an obvious and total amateur on the bike, is especially unnerving.

Despite all my misgivings, I believe it'll be well worth the effort. I'll be saving gas money, saving the environment (well, maybe if I breathed in carbon dioxide and breathed out oxygen I'd be SAVING the environment, but as it is I guess I'll just be contributing less to its demise), and contributing to my weight-loss efforts. Those are all very good and valid reasons to bicycle-commute, and that's why I intend to stick with it for the next twelve months at the very least.

I feel it necessary to expand on the weight-loss issue. As much as there are a number of awesome parts about being overweight that I'm going to miss, there are also myriad reasons why I do want to lose weight. They are as follows:

1. BETTER SLEEP. I'm a single parent and full-time student, and if there's anything I need more of it's better sleep. At one point in my life I was able to sleep anywhere, anytime, but around the same time I started grad school, I also lost my ability to sleep well (hmm, interesting correlation . . .). For years now, I've often had difficulty falling asleep, been waking frequently in the night, and sometimes when I do awaken in the night I have a great deal of difficulty getting back to sleep. This has both contributed to my weight gain (the more tired I am, the more I seek out extra calories, especially in the guise of high-sugar foods) and been caused by my excess weight (the more sugar I eat during the day, the worse I sleep at night) - a vicious sweet, sweet, cycle. There's also ample evidence to suggest that obese people disproportionately suffer from sleep apnea, which causes sleep difficulties and daytime exhaustion. I'm looking forward to breaking that cycle. When I exercise, I tend also to eat better, and it also means I tire myself out during the day. This leads to better sleep, which leads to less excuses for avoiding exercise and better eating, and the cycle continues. The best part of this cycle, in my humble opinion, is the sleeping part. Mmm, I can't wait!

2. RECOGNIZING MYSELF AGAIN. I've always had weight issues, so even the image of myself in my mind's eye includes a little chub. Even then, I am continually surprised every time I see myself in the mirror because what I see reflected back at me does not match the picture of myself I have in my head. I've steadily been gaining weight over the past few years, but around the 60-lbs-overweight mark I really started to see a difference in not just my body shape (which changes continually, so I don't really notice it that much), but in the structure of my face. My pretty blue eyes shrink against the growing mass of my face, my jaw line disappears, my cheeks lose their apples and become simultaneously inflated and shapeless. The features that I've long identified with myself - my smiling eyes, my rosy cheeks, the tapering of my face towards my chin - all of it is altered or completely gone. I don't see myself anymore, I see someone I don't recognize, and that's terrifying. I was relatively fine with my weight gain until that point - but now, the gloves are off. If I don't know myself anymore, it's ON!

3. MY DAUGHTER. A lot of eating habits are learned in the home, passed on from one generation to the next. Recently, my daughter and I were eating a meal and when I finished, I picked up my plate to lick it clean. Yes, I am an adult, and I do lick my plate clean (come on, it's part of the clean-up process!! Alright, alright, I know, it's a shameful admission). A few moments later, I looked over at my daughter to see she had picked up her plate to lick it clean, but it still had food on it, so she successfully covered herself entirely with pasta. Aside from how adorably cute that was, I felt the familiar pangs of guilt in my core as I watched her mimic my terrible eating habits. What am I teaching her? I want to lose weight and develop a healthier relationship with food - none of this binging and withdrawing that I've been doing my whole life, this feeling guilt and shame and comfort all somehow related to food. I want her to enjoy eating, but not use it to fill any voids in her life. I want to teach her to love her body. I want to show her what a healthy, happy woman looks like. And I can't do that the way I am now.

4. SAVING MONEY. I've made the argument before that it's cheaper to eat poorly than eat well - just look at the price difference between eating at McDonald's and eating at some high-quality vegetarian restaurant. It's a whole different world. However, I must admit, overall it costs A LOT to maintain a large figure. I usually stock my fridge with plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains - I know how to eat well and I usually set myself up to be able to do so every time I go shopping. However, I ALSO buy total crap on top of it. Going for a TimBits and Iced Cap run at Tim Horton's, grabbing a slurpee with the requisite gummi candies on the side, even being lazy and ordering Chinese food made with more cooking oil than I would ever make a home-cooked meal with. Then I get home and eat too much of the good stuff that I bought! It's great having whole grains in the house, but not if you eat three slices of bread as a snack, or bake whole-wheat banana muffins and eat them in pairs topped with margarine. Getting back into an exercise routine, going back to work so I have a schedule again, and being out of the house more will be a huge boon to the ol' savings account (or, more accurately, the debt repayment schedule). That means less boredom-eating, more packing lunches (which inherently limits how much I can eat), and more cooking for myself (because I won't have time to order food and then go pick it up, or wait for it to be delivered). With a highly regimented life, I find it infinitely easier to eat better, eat less, and spend a whole lot less money.

5. BRINGING SEXY BACK. Sorry, I had to say it. I'm lovin' it. Aside from not recognizing myself, I've also become remarkably self-conscious. If you knew me, you would know that being self-conscious is not the kind of person I am. I'm loud and outgoing and playful and silly, none of which comes across in the first impression I project. I come off as self-conscious, uncomfortable in my own skin, and maybe even a bit angry (to look at myself in pictures I see a definite "don't look at me" kind of vibe being projected, which is no doubt a defensive thing that comes out of fear of being rejected or made fun of). Who IS that?? Surely not me! I'm fun and flirty and uninhibited - or at least that's how I used to be. I don't see myself that way anymore, and as much as I still have the kick-ass personality I've always had, I don't look the part, which makes me not act the part when meeting new people. I'm looking forward to bringing sexy back - reuniting with my fun, flirty, life-of-the-party self that's been hiding under layers of negative-me. I've gotta get out of those damn layers! I need to re-reveal the positive-me again! I'm tired of just the people who know me knowing I'm a good person. I want even strangers to be able to see that about me as well. And that means getting back to being recognizable to myself. More self-confident. Less fearful. More sexy back.