Thursday, November 26, 2009

Week Thirteen - Day Five

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 35 min.
TIME BACK: 33 min.
WEATHER: clear, -2C, 7km/hr wind there; clear, 0C (-4C with windchill), 15km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: warm-up pants (a soft moisture-wicking layer against my skin with a soft water resistant shell exterior), t-shirt, sweatshirt, waterproof shell, MEC lobster gloves, scarf
NOTES:
After unintentionally using the icy side roads as my personal ice rink yesterday, I figured if I was going to bike at all today I would be well-advised to leave Eastwood at home. The bad news is that I woke up pretty sore this morning - my left thigh and hip are covered in bruises, my sprained finger is swollen around the knuckle, and just about everything from both of my arms and legs to my neck are sore. The good news is that I have options when it comes to my bikes, so giving Eastwood a rest today didn't have to mean not biking at all.

It turns out that Mike with his thinner, studded tires does pretty well on ice, but fluffy and/or wet snow quickly compacts into the less-than-substantial treads and makes plowing through the snow, even the small amount of it we got last weekend, feel like I'm going to lose control of the bike. Eastwood, on the other hand, with his wide, deep-treaded tires and heavy frame, handles the snow much better than Mike, but without the studs he can't handle the ice. It would appear, then, that every morning will have to begin with an assessment of the road conditions and what bike is going to get me to work and back as safely as possible.

In many ways, this week I've been feeling like I'm right back to where I was at the beginning again. I remember being hard on myself, especially when comparing myself to other cyclists - feeling slow and lazy and sweaty and fearing I looked ridiculous. I remember working really hard, especially on inclines, but even without inclines the extent of how unfit I was seemed glaring to me. I remember having to figure everything out - which route to take, what to wear, how to use my gears. There was such a big learning curve at the front end!

In many ways it feels as though the snowfall over the weekend has wiped clean the slate of my improvements over the past three months. The average ride time, the average speed, the average effort required, the confidence I managed to build up to - it's all irrelevant now that I'm winter-riding. I really am starting all over again. I'm back to going slow, being hard on myself, feeling unfit, feeling scared and unbalanced as I ride, questioning whether I really want to be doing this at all, figuring out the hard way how the equipment works (it used to be the fenders, now it's the tires!).

What I'm learning in all of this is that I've found myself in the middle of a whole new game, so the old rules don't apply anymore. More importantly, I've learned that I need to accept that I have improved in the last three months, and that those improvements don't go away even though the game has changed. Yes, it's really hard again, and yes I'm going to have to work back up to being able to maintain an appropriate speed or take a turn without falling, but that's all to be expected. There's nothing wrong with me, it's just that everything's different now. Once I wrap my brain around that, I can put away my critical voice and just focus on the victories - like today, when I didn't even slide around at all even though the roads were icy! That's a marked improvement from yesterday!

Celebrate the victories, and forget about the past. Everything is new again. And really, is that such a bad thing?

Week Thirteen - Day Four

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 27 min. (woo hoo!!)
TIME BACK: 31 min.
WEATHER: clear, -1C, 4km/hr wind there; light rain, 3C, 9km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
This morning, the road conditions didn't seem quite as crazy as they did on Monday. The main roads are mostly clear now, and the scary uneven snow and ice on the side streets has mostly been compacted down into ice with only a bit of crunchy snow on top in some places. On Monday, the entire shared-use pathway along the High Level Bridge was a thick sheet of uneven ice, which made the slight hills on each side of the bridge quite treacherous. Even the flat middle part of the bridge was brutal, given the need to negotiate around other cyclists and pedestrians on such slippery terrain. Now, though, it would seem that the bridge has been largely cleared of that ice build-up and sand has been put down for added traction, making the ride down the hills feel a little less like meeting certain death.

I've found that cycling this week has been so much harder than before. I expected the arrival of snow would slow me down and make everything harder, but perhaps I didn't realize how much of a difference it would make. Or, at least, that the snow alone would make such a difference - I expected it would be a combination of snow, freezing temperatures, and high winds that would make winter commuting so hard. It turns out all I needed was the snow to feel discouraged! Now when that wintry trifecta does come into effect, as I'm sure it will sooner than later, how the hell am I going to handle that? I'm already asking myself if all this is worth it, and I'm only facing snow and ice right now.

But, boy howdy, on the way home everything got a whole lot worse. When I stepped outside I discovered it was raining. "Yay!" I thought, "All this rain is going to wash away a lot of the snow!!" I hopped on Eastwood and began cycling home, grateful for the mild weather that allowed it to rain this late in November. The traction seemed pretty good everywhere - it's true, it seemed the rain was washing away a lot of the ice and snow, and I began feeling optimistic about my biking adventures. I was making good time, I felt in control, and even despite getting increasingly water-logged I was having a really fun ride!

Until I got to Glenora. This is the expensive neighbourhood I bike through that boasts gorgeous old estate homes and wide, curvy, low-traffic roads that have made for a dreamy scenic route for me these past few months. I was sailing through this neighbourhood as I had been throughout my whole ride, but this time as I began curving slightly to the left along with the road, the tires slid out from under me, and anyone within earshot could hear the profound words "Shitty nutballs!" escaping my mouth. Eastwood and I fell to the ground, and the two of us slid to a stop a few metres from where we fell.

I was stunned. I looked around at the road to see what obvious patch of ice I managed not to see before hitting it, and found nothing but the shiny black ashphalt that was to be found everywhere else in this rainy weather. There was no obvious ice build-up anywhere, and even as I righted myself my feet slid around underneath me on ice that was so thin and transparent it could not be distinguished from the pavement. I suppose this is what they call "black ice". I should be very familiar with this as a prairie girl, but it felt as though I was seeing it for the first time.

I gingerly swung my leg back over Eastwood and slowly began pedalling again, trying carefully to maintain my balance on this misleading black ice. Even as careful as I was, it didn't take long before the road curved again and the tires gave out underneath me. I fell again, this time dislodging the plastic cover that is supposed to protect the front chainring and twisting the left hand-brake out of whack. I twisted the brake back into line, put the broken plastic ring on my handlebars, and tried to figure out how the hell to get home.

I knew I couldn't stay on that road. I already feared one finger might be broken (the middle finger on my right hand - the perfect flipping-the-bird finger, which one clearly cannot afford to lose!). What more damage would I do to myself if I kept falling? At first I tried biking in the extreme edge of the road, in the slushy rain-soaked snow, but I wasn't sure this was much better than riding on the black ice. I got off and walked the bike over to the sidewalk, found it wet but not too slippery, and proceeded to follow the sidewalk up to the nearest major road.

But wait a minute - what if the major road had black ice on it, too? At least on the side street, when I fell there was nothing around for me to fall into, no cars to hit me or run me over. On the major road, though, there were lots of cars - speeding cars. So the likelihood of falling might be lower, but the consequences of any fall were potentially much worse. What to do?

I kept to the sidewalks along the major road for a while, but these were pretty patchy with slushy snow and half-melted ice. Ultimately, I took to the major road. The traction seemed fine, but I was pretty scared the whole time. Also, I kept getting splashed by cars and being forced to ride through big puddles because I had to keep so far to the right. I got home safe and sound, sticking to the main road, but the whole rest of the ride I worried over what I would do about the ride tomorrow. Sure, it's slippery now with the rain - but what about after it's had a chance to freeze overnight? Won't everything be black ice tomorrow morning?

To be safe, I'm taking Mike tomorrow with his studded tires. And I'm riding slow. And sticking to the side streets in case I do fall. The prospect of the ride tomorrow is scaring me already, but as a psychologist and a former horseback rider I know the worst thing to do after a fall is to avoid riding again. I just have to get back up in the saddle and keep going, figuring this bike-commuting thing out one bump, bruise, and scrape at a time.

Oh, and by the way, within a half-hour I was able to bend my finger again, and now it's just the knuckle that's sore to the touch but nothing looks out of place with it. I'm able to make a fist with some discomfort, but I'm sure at worst it's just a sprain. I'm pretty lucky, I think! I've fallen four times since starting my bike-commuting challenge and I've never been hurt. Knock on wood!!

Here is an early picture of my still-developing injuries:

The darker areas are bruises, and the red areas (i.e., lower hip, inner thigh on far leg) are parts that will become bruises in the next 1-2 days. I suffer for my art!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Week Thirteen - Day Three

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 29 min.
TIME BACK: 28 min.
WEATHER: overcast, -1C (-6C with windchill), 19km/hr wind with 30km/hr gusts there; partly cloudy, 5C, 4km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
Another night of sleep deprivation. I went to bed at 10:30 pm last night in the hopes of getting a solid 8 hrs of sleep, trying desperately to make up for the poor sleep I had the past two nights. Alas, this would not be. Despite my best intentions my daughter had other plans, and she woke up for the day at 4:30 am. A third night of 6 hrs of sleep or less in a row. This doesn't bode well for my cycling . . . or my clients at work, for that matter.

I just wish things were easy. I wish I could wake up one morning and be the size and shape I'm intended to be. I wish I could sleep when I want to, for as long as I want to. I wish I didn't have to worry about money or fear alienating my baby's father by asking him to start paying child support. I wish I could live the life I encourage my clients to live - one that is less stressful, more happy, more healthy, more fun. Less fear. Less worry. A whole lot more time for me.

But that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon, anyway. In the meantime, I just have to find the little things to keep me going so I don't just lay down in the middle of the road and give up. I have to focus on the laughter - how hilarious my daughter looks when she runs, or her ridiculous belly-laugh. I have to focus on the successes, like when one of my clients today decided she doesn't need counselling anymore because she felt like she's doing okay. And I have to practice some compassion - tell myself, and really mean it, that it's ok if I don't lose much weight this month, or that I feel slow on the bike, or that I'm not as fit as I was hoping I'd be by now. It's ok, I know it is.

Sometimes, though, there is a difference between what we know and what we feel. And today, I just feel bad.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Week Thirteen - Day Two

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 30 min.
TIME BACK: 29 min.
WEATHER: clear, 0C (-4 with wind chill), 11km/hr wind there; clear, 2C (-2C with wind chill), 15km/hr wind back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, turtleneck, waterproof shell, double gloves, scarf
NOTES:
"What the hell is wrong with you? You're the slowest bike out here. You think it's such a triumph still biking when there's snow on the ground? Look at all these tracks - you're not the only one, you're not special. You're just slow. Everyone else is still biking, too, and they're all doing it faster than you, and better than you. Why are you even out here?"

It would seem self-flagellation comes in many forms, and for no apparent reason. I don't know why I was dogged by my own self-destructive negative thoughts today, but I was. They whispered discouragement in my ear the entire time I was on my bike today. I'm working hard, I really am, and maybe that's the problem - with this snow cover, I'm working harder and going slower, and it may very well be just my perception, but it seems like other bikers aren't going as slow as me. Is it possible that I'm just the laziest of the bunch? Or is there something else going on here?

As far as I can see, nobody else has studded tires, they just have heavy treads. Out of curiosity, I want to try riding Eastwood to work tomorrow to see how the heavy treads of my mountain bike handle the snow and ice. Maybe I'm unnecessarily slowing myself down with those studded tires - maybe it's not icy enough to warrant them yet. Maybe I should take a cue from the other cyclists and see how a heavy tread suits the road conditions.

It just hit me how tired I am. I really, really am. I had six hours of sleep on Sunday night because I received a phone call from my daughter's father about our custody arrangements, and this led to an at-times-emotional 2.5 hr discussion which led, in turn, to me going to bed 3 hrs later than usual. Then, on Monday night, my daughter woke up and wouldn't fall back asleep between 2-4 am, leaving me with less than 6 hrs of sleep again. Combine that sleep deprivation with the fact that I'm biking harder than usual, I'm eating less than usual (in a last-minute effort to lose at least some weight this month!), and now I'm just beat. Maybe that's what bred the self-criticism today, with the exhaustion leading me to feel down which then lead to being harder on myself than necessary. Who knows? Well, I guess I should know, being a psychologist, but to be honest, I just don't have the mental capacity right now to think about it.

I need to kick back with my green tea, watch something mind-numbing for an hour or so, have a long, hot shower, and then go to bed. Here's hoping my daughter - and therefore I - will actually sleep through the night tonight! I could sure use it . . .

Monday, November 23, 2009

Week Thirteen - Day One

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 30 min.
TIME BACK: 31 min.
WEATHER: overcast, -5C, 7km/hr wind there; partly cloudy, -1C, 6km/hr wind back.
NOTES:
On Saturday morning I woke up and looked out my bedroom window to discover a world engulfed in white. A thick, fluffy layer of snow had fallen over everything overnight. I began hearing sleigh bells ringing in my head, I could almost smell the roasting turkey and the wafting smell of fresh gingerbread in the oven. My eyes lit up as I took in the wintry wonderland that had suddenly impressed itself upon my front yard. It was beautiful.

Today, as I biked through the snow and ice - mostly ice - it seemed a whole lot less beautiful. My initial thought of, "YAY! I finally get to try out Mike's studded tires!!" very quickly turned into, "Oh Jesus, is this what the next six months are going to be like??" Sadly, the response to that was: "Nope, today's a good day. No wind, no frigid temperatures, and no black ice. For winter, this ain't bad at all, lightweight!"

I was amazed how much heavier everything felt today. The tires are significantly heavier than the summer slicks, which makes the bike overall heavier, and I also had to contend with the strange traction of heavy treads and metal studs, all while plowing through snow. I had heard once that biking through snow is like perpetually going uphill, that's how much harder you have to work. I didn't quite understand that until today. I dropped down to 13th gear on the flat ground and had to get down to 12th gear for the hills. The trip was slower, harder, and felt more dangerous the whole time. Maybe it's just the memory of my previous falls haunting me, but I felt perpetually ready to fall over. There was more lateral movement than I expected with the studded tires, which made me feel pretty insecure. Basically, there was a lot of white-knuckle gripping of the handlebars.

The good news is that I never did go down, and every time I slammed on the brakes to try to test the traction of the tires I always came to a good, controlled stop. Perhaps I just need to relax, not fear the lateral motion so much, and trust the studs - which are concentrated more on the outer edge of the treads than they are in the middle - to carry me through the icy turns. I also need to take comfort in knowing that I was definitely not the only cyclist out today - I saw several, in fact, both on the way to work and on the way home. If they can do it, why couldn't I?

One thing I'm considering, though, is switching from my current route - mostly through residential streets - to one that utilizes more major roads. The problem is that residential roads aren't plowed in this city, so the snow just gets compacted into rutty, icy cesspools of danger. On major roads, the plows and the heavy traffic clear the roads of most of the snow and ice, making for relatively clear pavement. On the way home I took major routes, and I found that in going that way I traded in the danger of poorer road conditions for the danger of close proximity to speeding cars, breathing in exhaust the whole way, and having a much less scenic ride. Perhaps falling on the icy side streets would be less dangerous than the risk of getting hit by a car on a major road. I really can't tell which is the better option. I think my appreciation for the scenery will keep me sticking with the side roads for now, especially now that Christmas lights are going up on the beautiful old homes in the expensive neighbourhoods I bike through. However, as time goes on and the snow piles up - mush upon fluff upon ice - I might revisit that decision.

In the meantime, I'll stick with my usual route and try to work up my stamina, leg strength, and courage while riding studded Mike to work. Maybe all this will get easier, and I'll be able to bike on the snow with the same confidence I was starting to earn on the dry pavement. Here's hoping . . . until then, I'm just hoping for a mild winter!