Week 39 - Day Three: Debbie Downer

BIKE: Eastwood
TIME THERE: 24 min.
TIME BACK: 24 min.
WEATHER: clear, 11C, 20 km/hr headwinds there; a few clouds, 15C, 17 km/hr tailwinds back.
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, zip-up hoodie
NOTES:

"I've dug a hole so deep I'm gonna drown in my mistakes/
Can't even sell my soul 'cause it ain't worth shit today"

I've got this Billy Talent song in my head. Because I read meaning into just about everything, I've concluded that the reason this refrain is stuck on repeat in my head is that I still feel guilty about a mistake I made at work yesterday. It was a very simple and honest mistake that my colleagues have told me anyone could have made. Then again, it has the potential for serious repercussions, and anyone didn't make this mistake - I did. This led me to review the number of issues I've had over the year: the complaints made against me (which were rare, and said more about our service being severely understaffed than about me personally or professionally), and the time I was in danger of being sued. Last night I almost broke into tears as I lay in bed at night, reviewing all the things I wish I'd done differently during my internship year. But, luckily, the feeling passed.

I try to remind myself that my internship year is meant to be a learning experience, and the only way to learn a lesson really well is to make mistakes along the way and deal with their consequences. Still, I'm feeling bummed. I'm feeling a bit insecure about myself as a professional right now. I'm wishing things came easier - that I didn't have to learn the hard way, that I had more support here, that working full-time and trying to get in better shape and single-handedly raising a daughter weren't so damn exhausting. I wish I could eat cupcakes all day and all night and still lose weight. Maybe I should just try to find one of those magical wish-granting Genies to help me out right now. That'd be pretty cool.

Between yesterday's post and today's, I'm realizing that I'm feeling pretty tired, still a little sick, and just generally kind of bad. Of course, people have down days once in a while and I'm prepared to have mine. Still, even knowing that it's normal and that it'll pass doesn't really make it go away. Ahh, well, at least on days like these I can sympathize that much more with what my clients are going through. We all have our crosses to bear.