A Hopeless Moment

I made plans to see a friend of mine for a movie this evening. I haven't seen her for a while, and I won't see her again for a while because she's only days away from leaving to an exotic locale for her wedding. As one of the first friends I told about my unplanned pregnancy, who then threw me a lovely baby shower and even crocheted a beautiful blanket for my daughter (one that she still sleeps with every night), she is someone who is very dear to me. While I am in my internship on-campus and she is no longer a student, we rarely see each other anymore - even when I was invited to her wedding shower, I had to miss it because I was sick. Because of all these reasons, it felt really important for me to reconnect with her tonight.

Late in the afternoon, I got a call from my babysitter. "Are you still going out tonight?" she asked. I confirmed that I was. "Oh, because something came up and I can't make it." I gritted my teeth. "Uh huh," I responded. I got no further explanation as to what happened, just an apology and an offer for her friend (whom I've never met) to pinch-hit at a much higher hourly rate. I declined the offer of the friend's services - because, really, who would leave their baby in the care of a total stranger? - and immediately got to thinking how I might salvage this night.

Now, this might be an appropriate time to mention that I haven't been out socially without my daughter in about a month. It might also be appropriate to mention that I really f-ing need a break. Especially with her being sick so frequently and me still feeling the strangely lingering effects of the stomach flu (even this morning, I had a terrified moment at Gymboree when I thought I would throw up all over the colourful mats, but I managed to breathe my way through it and luckily it passed). I have been feeling restless and unsatisfied lately because of my desperate need for a break, and this is yet another reason why I was so looking forward to a night out with my friend tonight.

So, after the babysitter bailed on me, I immediately got on the phone to some friends. I called or text-messaged everyone I thought might be able to help out. One by one, I kept getting turned down. Two hours before having to meet my friend at the movie theatre, at late afternoon on a Saturday, I figured my odds of finding someone able and willing to help out were pretty slim. The last friend I called was in the middle of some school work, and she said she'd think about it and call me back right away. Buoyed by the possibility of still being able to make it out tonight, I hung up the phone and waited for her to call back. It was in this moment of silence that I heard the sound of cat litter rustling around in the guest room.

"Oh God, where's Sophia?" I thought to myself. I jumped up and ran to the guest room to find what I had dreaded: my daughter, mixed with dirty cat litter, mixed with cat food, mixed with a full bowl of water. There was cat shit on the guest bed. A puddle of clay-muddied water was trickling along the baseboards. Clay toddler and cat footprints marred the entire floor. All the cat food was in the cat water, along with clumps of litter. Litter and cat shit and clumps of cat pee were everywhere. And my daughter, smiling triumphantly with a fistful of soaking cat food in one hand and the litter scoop in the other, looked at me with glee as I found her soaked and filthy in the midst of all this mess. I opened my mouth to start yelling at her when the phone rang. It was my friend - she couldn't help me. My last hope, gone. And now all I had to look forward to all evening was cleaning this hideous mess.

I hung up the phone, then crumpled to the floor and starting bawling. I was done. Just. Done.

I managed to clean the mess, pausing occasionally to burst into tears again. I managed to make dinner with a glazed-over expression as my daughter ran around me yelling "mommy! mommy! mommy!". I managed even to bathe my daughter, read to her half-heartedly, and put her in bed. But I still felt so done. Maybe I would had felt better if I'd been biking this week. Maybe I would have been floating off those happy chemicals that fire up during exercise, and I would have felt more resilient when faced with disappointments and challenges like I was today. I guess I'll never know.

Wherever you are out there, Future Husband, get here already!! I just can't do this on my own anymore.