Week Ten - Day Five

BIKE: Mike
TIME THERE: 26 min.
TIME BACK: 27 min.
WEATHER: clear, 8C, 31km/hr there; clear, 8C, 19km/hr wind back
WHAT I WORE: yoga pants, t-shirt, waterproof shell, scarf, double gloves (scarf in panniers and just running gloves on the way home)
NOTES:

Guilt Day!!!

While most of my days are full of wonderment and mirth, today was more full of guilt and horrible shame. It began during my bike to work. Every morning, I pass over a bridge on which cyclists must ride on the sidewalk, and because I get on the bridge and ride on the sidewalk in the opposite direction of car traffic, I usually stay on the sidewalk for an extra block until I can safely cross the road and ride in the same direction as the car traffic. So I was riding along on the sidewalk for an extra block beyond which it was technically allowed, and while doing so I came up behind a pedestrian who was walking in the middle of the sidewalk. I couldn't swerve off the sidewalk because there was a bus station bench on one side of him and a metal post on the other, so I just rode up behind him and rang my bell so he might step to the side and let me pass. He seemed to do that, so I ploughed on, only to find that he had not actually pulled aside for me but had taken a misstep before stepping right back into line - and right into my way - just as I was passing him. I called out, "pardon me, sir!", but it was too late - I clipped his hand, or maybe even his arm - with my handlebar as I passed. "I'm so sorry!" I called to him, and he also apologized to me (as any good Canadian does for something that wasn't their fault). I took his apology as a sign that he'd survive, so I pedalled on without stopping to make sure he was okay. I didn't hit him hard, nor did I hit very much of him, but I felt awful. For the rest of my journey to work I kept thinking, "Hmm, what is that horrible sensation gnawing at my stomach? Is it hunger? No, it's quite the opposite of hunger - more like nausea. OH RIGHT! It's horrible guilt! Because I clipped a pedestrian when I was illegally biking on the sidewalk!"

Then, towards the end of the morning, I got an e-mail from a dear friend. In this e-mail she sounded upset with me for signing her up for something without consulting her. And it's true - I had signed her up without asking her if I could, so I was completely in the wrong and I knew it. I should have asked her about it, and I remember thinking that I needed to ask her about it, but I completely forgot to, and then she found out about it from a third party. So this led to more horrible guilt.

I responded to that e-mail in the few minutes I had before taking off to a lunch-hour dissertation committee meeting. During that meeting, I had to restrain myself from crying in front of my committee members because I thought I had done something ridiculously wrong at the data analysis stage. The belief that I had done something terribly wrong - and the fact that I wanted to cry about it - all made me feel even more guilty!! Thankfully, my committee is comprised of the most remarkably lovely people in the world and the meeting ended up going very well, but it was pretty touch-and-go for a few minutes there as I struggled to defend my shoddy analysis techniques.

I returned to work exhausted, hungry (I hadn't eaten since my instant oatmeal at 8:30), feeling terrible about myself, and overwhelmed. I arrived ten minutes late for our drop-in intake time, hoping against all hope that it was a slow day and I could just take that hour to eat my lunch and recover from my heavy burden of guilt. Instead, I found the waiting room full, and because of various illnesses we were terribly understaffed to handle this influx. I had a hellish intake hour during which I saw three people, and because I was so motivated not to feel any more guilt for the rest of the day, I managed to get them all appointments - even though it meant booking one of them into one of my non-counselling hours next week. I just couldn't handle the guilt I would feel for referring her elsewhere, knowing she truly needed help.

What a day! When I got home, I took my daughter out and we shared a donair combo for dinner. I felt guilty (of course) for eating a less-than-balanced meal for dinner, and especially for feeding one to my daughter, but once in a while it's the right thing to do. Once in a while, a girl just needs her salty meat and cheese. And today was one of those days!